Tic toc, tic toc

"If someone love you for what you can do then it's flattering, but why do they love you? If someone loves you for who you are then they have to know you, which means you have to know them."~Ann Patchett

At the beginning of the week my husband informed me that he was taking the entire next week off because he felt burnt out from work. I wish I could be the type of wife who, when I heard something like that, could find some semblance of joy in that news. But I'm the type of person who thinks..."GRRREEAATTT!!! Another person I'll have to pick up after, and another person who just takes and takes and takes from me as though I am a never ending well of giving."

These impromptu vacations of his always involve "lists of things to do" which would be great if he took that list and did those things himself, but that's not what happens. What happens is that there becomes this constant talk of "togetherness" which translates into me doing more than my share of the work because I do things quickly while he seems to take on a supervisor role handing out critiques on how I'm coming along with whatever job he's got lined up for me. Totally not fun. His vacations mean more work for me and I don't understand why he doesn't understand why this would not excite me. These are the times when the ticking inside my head gets progressively louder by the day and because no one can see or hear it, it always comes as a surprise to everyone when I explode from the frustration of it all.

I, too, know why the caged bird sings.

Today he calls me and says, "Hey, how about next week we go room to room and deep clean everything and throw away stuff we don't need."

So, yeah, I'm really looking forward to THAT!

Positivity early in the morning

My daughter was gathering her things to get ready to go to school and my husband yells out to her:

"Sara, drive carefully. There's lots of nuts out driving this time of the morning. Keep your wits about you. And be on the lookout for any end-of-the-year Columbine-type episodes at school. Have a great day!"

Newsflash: I was born, but I was not born yesterday

Last night my husband asked me if it was alright if he bought me a recliner for Christmas. Um...sounds like a present for him under the guise of being a present for me, especially since I've never expressed any interest in getting a recliner whereas he mentions at least once a week how he'd like one.

Ask what I want, and I will sing, I want everything--everything

My husband told me that the best part of going out of town is having me pick him up at the airport after his flight home. He said he feels important when he sees me there waiting for him. I really hate going to the airport because the drive in feels like an endless roller coaster ride where I'm just waiting for the carts to hop off the track, sending me plummeting to my death. Huge tractor trailers follow so close behind me that it feels like they are in my back seat. No one uses their directionals except me. Ambulances always come screeching out of nowhere, weaving in and out of traffic and 6 lanes do not feel sufficient enough for me to find a place out of their way. It's just all these people in a rush, talking on cell phones, singing along to blaring radios and it feels unsafe.

But after he told me that having me there waiting for him makes him feel special, I decided that I'd stop focusing on all the negatives. Besides, hanging out at the airport is interesting. I love watching all the people coming and going with their rolling luggage. I think of all the people and all the stories they have to tell. There must me a million of them. I like imagining what their stories might be.

I fixed a toilet today all by myself. I went out and bought the parts and sat there till I got it right. I love fixing things. I love having directions in front of me and putting things together.

I am thinking about painting the inside of my house. It'll give me something to throw my energies into, something that might stop or minimize some of the head noise that threatens to drive me crazy. Lately I've been a little bummed about the way the summer is playing out for me. We are still two cars short and most days, because I don't have a job outside the house, I am housebound and it's starting to get to me. It's like my world keeps getting smaller when I imagined at this point that it would be so much bigger. I keep having to shift my dreams, change my plans, to fit what life is requiring of me. I guess it's my own fault for looking to the future instead of living in the moment. But I don't know how to stop myself from wanting more.

I am greedy. I want everything.

My Slice of Life Quotes - Money

He went on a lunatic rant about spending money frivolously, and how we all needed to be frugal for the next month or so, then later in the afternoon suggested we all go out to dinner, and I said, "Ok, sounds good to me."

Love notes

"...You are the dreamer~ And we are the dream~ I could write it better than you ever felt it..."~FOB

Almost every morning before leaving for work, my husband leaves me a little love note of sorts on post-it note paper. Sometimes he takes 2 or 3 to get the whole message down. They say things like "you are gorgeous" or that "you are my love" or he'll write, "I'll catch you later, baby." Some days the love notes will veer away from love and become mini to-do lists for me. They will say "don't forget to pay the bills," or "remember to pick up my clothes at the cleaners" or "please water the lawn." I'm not fond of the to-do list notes because I've never liked people telling me what to do. I usually crumble those up and toss them into the trash immediately so that I don't get all hateful inside first thing in the morning.

The true love notes, I keep hidden in one of my junk drawers. I have many junk drawers and maybe one organized one because I can't seem to keep things in order to save my life. I aspire to be more organized, I think about how wonderful it would be to be more organized, but I never actually do anything about it. I don't have all my crap together and don't ever want anyone to think for a minute that I do. I think the people in my life who love me best, love me mostly for all the ways in which I am not perfect.

Because I believe in the power of love, because I think that love can make all the difference in a world where I sometimes feel so insignificant and small, I stack the love notes I have saved one on top of the other so that I can pull them out and read them when I need to be reminded that I am lovable, that I am loved.