Saturday at the park

I have decided I am tired of being phony. It takes too much effort. I used to feel the need to fill silences with lots of meaningless words, asking questions I don't care to know the answer to, agreeing to things I detest, laughing at things that aren't funny--you know the drill.

I am clear on what matters in my life, on the people that matter to me. I never have to be phony around my family--ever. I can be my truest self and they love me anyway. I never have to be anything more than who I am and I never feel the need to fill the quiet with mindless noise.

There are people who teach me things without ever being aware of the lessons they are teaching me. These are mostly people I abhor for one reason or another, but they leave me thinking, questioning, assessing, and ultimately changing the way I move through my life.

Too much time has been spent trying to bend myself in ways that are contrary to who I am. I think of all the wasted time I will never get back and that is more than enough reason to put an end to the phoniness once and for all.

This is what I want her to know

I think there are people that you never get over. I think if you love someone, really love someone, you give away a piece of your heart forever. And even though it's hard to learn to live without someone that you love, there's always a part of you that knows you would not have it any other way--you would not ever choose not loving someone to spare yourself a potential loss. It's hard to know what to do with the love you will always have for those people who have left your life for one reason or another. It's hard to fill the spaces left behind. It's difficult not to paint people who disappoint you in a bad light because it's natural for that sort of defense mechanism to kick in when you feel betrayed or abandoned. I think that the people you choose to love tells you a lot about yourself. I think that mostly it tells you not to spend even one second doubting your choices if your heart feels at home when you are with them--that finite time with the people that you love is better than no time at all--that love doesn't die on a schedule determined by other people, especially if your love is pure. I think there is no secret to getting over people you have loved because there are some people that you simply never get over.