I say a little prayer

I tried to explain to my husband how it feels for me to have everyone home and in my face all the time after it just being me and him and our youngest daughter for the last two years. The house feels way too small all of a sudden. And the stress level has gone through the roof with all these personalities wanting, needing. I guess I should be used to it by now, but it seems I am not. I told him the atmosphere in the house changes--and when he is home--OMG--it's like there's a perpetual Tornado Warning sign is flashing across the top of our home. Normal conversations fly out the window. I'm always waiting for the storm I know will come.

The TV remote isn't working properly. You might think that's just a small thing but you'd be wrong. Obscenities are yelled and the world has to stop because no one can think to get fresh batteries.

I put the timer on something in the oven and I go into another room and the timer goes off. A simple, "the timer has gone off" will get my attention but in this house I hear, "SOMETHING'S BEEPING IN THE KITCHEN!!! YOU'RE BURNING SOMETHING!!!" The dramatics are truly astounding. Suddenly it seems I've forgotten how ovens with timers work. Only I haven't. I can't relax because I live with a bunch of spazzes.

And it's rubbing off on me--this over-reaction stuff, this making of mountains out of molehills. I think I've screamed more this past month than I have in the last two years. The only time anyone listens to me is if I scream. I mean, really listens. They nod and "ok" me, but no one pays attention until I scream. I'm not saying they make me scream, but THEY MAKE ME SCREAM.

So now my husband is trying to help me out today since he is home and he is vacuuming the floors and finding stains on the carpet that he doesn't know how to clean and so he is asking me what to do and I am thinking that I just want him to stop "helping" me if he cannot do the job without needing me to intervene every five seconds because then it isn't a break for me--it's just more of the same. Why doesn't he get this simple thing?

Sigh. It's really hot here. I love the heat but it takes me awhile to adjust and maybe this is just my adjustment period. My feet have been all blistered and hurting from running, too. My husband told me I probably should just go on vacation by myself this year, but if I have to come back, I'm not sure I want to give myself a taste of freedom. I truly think it might be better that I not know what I am missing.

I've been reading lots of infertility blogs recently--more so than I ever have--and my heart bleeds for those couples/families. I never want to appear disloyal or unaware of the riches I possess because I know how blessed I am. I know how good it is to be me. In between the ranting you should know I am sending my thanks to God for giving me a family that exasperates me.

How to live a life

"I regret that it takes a life to learn how to live, Oskar."~Jonathan Safran Foer, Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close

I have the house to myself right now and I know that's not a big thing but lately I can't seem to find even a corner of this house that isn't noisy and cluttered up with someone else's life, and so it feels like a big thing to me.

Three years ago I was struggling to find peace with the fact that my children were growing up and away and it took me a while, but I learned to live with their absences. Now my oldest has moved back and my middle child will be home from college shortly and I am back to where I was before only now I've had just the littlest taste of independence and alone time and I find that I miss it sorely.

Last week I struggled so hard to stay on track with my exercising. I think what happens is that I get frustrated with my life and how it seems like I'm destined to always be the one who lives with the decisions other people make--that I am never the one who says, "I've decided THIS, and you will now revolve your life around that decision." It gets me down and then I start to think how much I hate exercising, how much I hate to pull my hair back and sweat and feel all achy afterwards. And even though I know that exercise is essential to my mental well being, I decide to skip a day or a week and the next thing I know a year will have gone by without me doing anything. I told myself this time (almost a year ago I started working out again) that I would not allow myself to give it up again and so far, I've stayed true to myself but I am telling you, it is hard.

I find that when my husband works too many days at home and the kids are under foot that I get anxious and angry and those are the days I most want to skip doing what I know is good for me and I'm not sure why. I think I like sabotaging myself. I think maybe I like feeling like I'm a victim. I can't really think too hard about it right now because I'm sure it has something to do with me not wanting to take full responsibility for who I am and what I am feeling and I know that's not what I should be doing so if I stop thinking about it I can pretend I'm not at fault.

The thing I have to remember about exercising is that it's for me and me alone and it's something that no one forces me to do but myself and I only do that because I know that the benefits outweigh the negatives. On bad days, it clears my head and gives me focus. It brings me peace and gives me hope that I will find my way in this world at some point.

I think my journey is about finding my way--not because I am lost because I don't feel lost. I think my journey is finding a way of living inside a life that requires me to ask more of myself than I am sometimes willing to give, and finding gracious ways of doing that. I need to find a way to love the journey while I'm living it.