How to live a life

"I regret that it takes a life to learn how to live, Oskar."~Jonathan Safran Foer, Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close

I have the house to myself right now and I know that's not a big thing but lately I can't seem to find even a corner of this house that isn't noisy and cluttered up with someone else's life, and so it feels like a big thing to me.

Three years ago I was struggling to find peace with the fact that my children were growing up and away and it took me a while, but I learned to live with their absences. Now my oldest has moved back and my middle child will be home from college shortly and I am back to where I was before only now I've had just the littlest taste of independence and alone time and I find that I miss it sorely.

Last week I struggled so hard to stay on track with my exercising. I think what happens is that I get frustrated with my life and how it seems like I'm destined to always be the one who lives with the decisions other people make--that I am never the one who says, "I've decided THIS, and you will now revolve your life around that decision." It gets me down and then I start to think how much I hate exercising, how much I hate to pull my hair back and sweat and feel all achy afterwards. And even though I know that exercise is essential to my mental well being, I decide to skip a day or a week and the next thing I know a year will have gone by without me doing anything. I told myself this time (almost a year ago I started working out again) that I would not allow myself to give it up again and so far, I've stayed true to myself but I am telling you, it is hard.

I find that when my husband works too many days at home and the kids are under foot that I get anxious and angry and those are the days I most want to skip doing what I know is good for me and I'm not sure why. I think I like sabotaging myself. I think maybe I like feeling like I'm a victim. I can't really think too hard about it right now because I'm sure it has something to do with me not wanting to take full responsibility for who I am and what I am feeling and I know that's not what I should be doing so if I stop thinking about it I can pretend I'm not at fault.

The thing I have to remember about exercising is that it's for me and me alone and it's something that no one forces me to do but myself and I only do that because I know that the benefits outweigh the negatives. On bad days, it clears my head and gives me focus. It brings me peace and gives me hope that I will find my way in this world at some point.

I think my journey is about finding my way--not because I am lost because I don't feel lost. I think my journey is finding a way of living inside a life that requires me to ask more of myself than I am sometimes willing to give, and finding gracious ways of doing that. I need to find a way to love the journey while I'm living it.

Why I Run

I was going to write about regrets today but I've decided against it. Maybe another day.

What I want to write about is how the hills in the neighborhood where I run are huge and daunting. Going down feels like I am flying. Sometimes when I run I have the same song on replay on my IPOD for the entire 45 minutes to an hour I am out there. It's a quirk of mine that I need to feel inspired and sometimes just one song does it for me.

When I am around mile 3 and I am down at the bottom of the very last hill that I will have to go back up, I always take a quick peek to the top and think I can't possibly get up there again. There's just no way. I don't have the energy or the desire. Sometimes I pray that someone I know will drive by and offer to give me a lift home and I know that if they did, I would hop in their car in a heartbeat. As I am thinking these things, I continue to pound the pavement beneath me and before I know it, I am at the top and there's a moment when I turn back around to see how far I've come and I think how proud and happy I am that I did what I thought I could not do.

When I am out there exercising, it feels a little like I am shedding something I need to get rid of while at the same time I am gaining something very important that I cannot get anywhere else. I think I shed my fears for a while and I think I find serenity. I am running towards serenity.

Persistence when I'd rather not

What made me happy today was going out and exercising even though it was the last thing in the world that I wanted to do. I have days where I have to fight myself on this, where I'd much rather give into the aches and pains that I somehow make so much bigger simply so that I can con myself into believing that it might be a good idea to take a day off.

I cannot tell you how many times I have given into that desire only to do the same thing the next day and the day after that. My little break turns into years. I really am too much to take sometimes with my ridiculousness. Trust me on this.

So I put my sneakers on, pulled my hair back, popped my IPOD in my ears (on songs that lift my heart) and I walked.

The payoff is twofold. I get the exercise which somehow helps me cope with my life so much better (not that my life is horrible or anything, but I've found that I need to make time to exercise because ultimately it makes me feel so much better.) And secondly, I feel good that I didn't give in to my desire to be a lazy ass, and, really, that's worth every blister and shin splint. I think.

So that was my moment of happiness which lasted most of the day.

And I went out for Chinese food afterwards with my husband, and that was good, too.