Merry Christmas

I tried something different this year. Instead of waiting until Christmas Eve to wrap all the presents, I started a couple of days ago and now, for the first time in forever, I am not hunched over on the floor somewhere with tape and wrapping paper and Christmas tags cursing whoever it was that thought it was a good idea to wrap presents in pretty colored paper. It feels glorious.

Merry Christmas from my house to yours. I wish you happiness, peace, light and love.

The earth turns, the sun burns

I decided not to be hateful to the man who walks his dogs and won't say hello to me when I say hi to him. All summer long, I've been ignoring him whenever I see him. It takes a lot of effort to ignore someone who is right across the street hanging onto a dog that is barking wildly and struggling mightily to cross the street and sniff me out. I need to believe that there is goodness in everyone. Whether this is a foolish belief or not remains to be seen. I saw him today and said hello. He said hello back. Progress.

This morning was a gift. The air was just a little bit cool here and that's the first time in forever that I have not been met with a wall of heat the moment I step outdoors. A shadow of the moon was still up in the sky, so was the sun, and so were the clouds. I wished I could be up there, too, floating on a cloud or something, sipping a drink with lots of ice. Sometimes the earth feels too crowded with people and stuff. In my dreams, I can fly. If only.

Everything is going well here. My youngest seems to be adjusting to college life and we are adjusting to life without her here all the time. Every day it's a new drama at the school--tonight it was a fire in her dorm. She proudly stated that she remembered to take her cell phone and her favorite blanket when the alarm went off in the building. No mention of the $2,000 laptop, though. Priorities, I guess.

Anyway, I want to say that I've been busy being happy, because that's what's true.

Wishing for everything, committing to nothing (Happy New Year)

"May all your troubles last as long as your New Year's resolutions." ~Joey Adams

I am trying to come up with a list of things that I want to do/accomplish in 2009 but I'd hate to post something that would leave concrete evidence of me failing. I'm more the type that keeps a mental list that can be easily erased, forgotten or revised at any time to suit my purposes. I am not ashamed to say that lists of things to do make me nervous. Whenever I do have the forethought to create one, I usually leave it behind me when I set off to do what needs to get done or I simply just lose it on purpose so I have a ready made excuse for coming up short.

I'm aiming for lots of happiness in 2009 for myself and for my loved ones. And good health, too. I want to read more, to never stop learning because I've found an idle mind breeds discontent. I'm hoping I can find a way to incorporate some of my dormant dreams into reality. I will need much courage for that, and so I'm aiming to reach deep down inside and find that, too, dust it off and use it. I want to remember to look at each day as the gift that it is and do things in the span of each day that will make me proud of how I am living my life. I want to make myself a priority, which I never do, but I think I deserve it now that my children are pretty much grown. I want to keep writing because it feels necessary for me to write things down, even if no one is reading--it's the part of me that says the most about me, even when I am guarded. Mostly, I just want to live another year so that I can come back here next year and wish for another.

Happy New Year!

The sacred is in the ordinary

"The great lesson is that the sacred is in the ordinary, that it is to be found in one's daily life, in one's neighbours, friends, and family, in one's backyard." - Abraham Maslow

I was going to write about the reply I got from my daughter's teacher today but I've allowed that woman to take up too much of my time today and so I will write about that another time.

Instead, I will talk about dribbling brightly colored lights among the bushes out front. I love Christmas lights--colored, preferably, but white will do in a pinch and on a mantel decorated with my favorite Christmas things.

I found the star for the top my tree and the tree skirt so I did not have to go out and purchase new ones. The old me would rush out and buy new things without thinking, but the new me wants to live a simpler life--and what could be more simple than taking the time to find things you know you have but can't find because you have so much stuff? I could seriously open some sort of store with all the stuff I've accumulated over the course of my life. I wish I knew then what I know now--that things are just things and the only importance they hold is the importance you assign them yourself.

My son is on his way home from college and we're thinking of decorating his room with Christmas lights to welcome him. I'm so excited to see him again. It feels like years and like just yesterday that he went away...if that makes sense--long and short at the same time.

There are days when it seems the fates are conspiring to drive me crazy and I fight to keep positive. On those days I look for the little things to bring me happiness--like a strand of colored lights, or the thought of my son coming back home to us.

Ice cream lifts a heavy heart

"I promise you not a moment will be lost as long as I have heart & voice to speak & we will walk again together with a thousand others & a thousand more & on & on until there is no one among us who does not know the truth: there is no future without love." Storypeople

So my heart has been a little heavy lately with all this election business. I cracked open a beer the night of the election. I cannot remember the last time I've had alcohol. I couldn't take watching it anymore so I caught up on some shows I had taped. When I finally switched back to election coverage, McCain had conceded. That's when my heart grew heavy. All that talk about hope and I couldn't find it anywhere.

The next day I was still feeling bad, and so I decided that maybe a Dairy Queen vanilla cone dipped in chocolate would aid in the mourning process. It did. I highly recommend Dairy Queen when you're feeling down. The sugar high lifted me up. I remembered that hope isn't something I should seek outside of myself--and the same goes for change. I can't control the world around me, but I can control how I react and how I go about living in the wake of disappointment. My father always told me that life is filled with disappointments and the sooner you get used to it, the better off you'll be. I've always found this to be something that is easier said than done.

Lately I've been struggling with intolerance for people who voted for Obama. I know I risk pissing people off but if I click onto one more blog that mentions HOPE with regards to Obama, I feel I might explode. I'm not really the intolerant type so I don't know what's come over me. I think if I could read some specifics as to why he is such a game changer (for the positive) I might feel less angry. I'm getting worked up all over again. I think it's time for another DQ run...

That mum up above? A couple of years ago I bought a tiny mum at Walmart and planted it in the ground and every year it comes back bigger and bigger. It's the highlight of my fall, watching that mum come back to life and bloom so beautifully. I feel so proud of it even though I don't do a thing to help it grow except watch it, anticipating it's loveliness.

My sister sent me a card last week, and when I opened it up a photo tumbled out. It was a picture of her and me when we were 6 and 8 years old. We wore matching coats. Our hair was cut very short and on top of our heads we had big bows. We looked so innocent and precious and even though I do not remember standing beside her the day that picture was taken, I know without question that we were happy.

6:28 PM

I think the days I am happiest are the days that are filled almost to bursting. And it's on these days that are filled almost to bursting that I remember why. It's because I live in the moment every moment. I stop living inside my head. I do not regret the past. I do not worry about the future. I stop chasing peace and peace finds me.

I drove by a man mowing his lawn today. I had my windows cracked just a little. The smell was heavenly and I know this is a silly thing to write about, but I want to be able to come back and read this some day and remember how much I love that smell. Next to the smell of Windex, it might be my all time favorite.

I love all 30 days in September, but I love September 16th the best because it's my son's birthday. I am incredibly lucky to have him. I wish him the all that's good in this world.

I hope they're following their bliss (or, red shoes make me happy, too)

I'll never understand why it seems so hard for people to be happy for you when good things happen in your life. I used to live next door to a woman who would drop everything in her own life if you were having a rough time. She'd cook you dinners and listen endlessly while you cried on her shoulder. But the second something good happened that you wanted to share, she backed off being your friend in search of a new needy person to aid. It was like she grew taller and brighter when your life was in ruins and I think it was because she was secretly happy that whatever was happening to you wasn't happening to her. It almost felt as if she wanted to be a witness to your pain rather than help alleviate it. Like, she did all that cooking and listening because there was the payoff of having a front row seat to watch the devastation up close and personal. I like to call people like this misery magnets. I don't like people like this because there's a real lack of sincerity going on under the guise of compassion. I mean, if you can't be happy for me when I'm happy, I would basically rather not know you.

I wonder what holds a lot of us back from being happy for one another when good things happen. Why can't a simple joy be shared without vultures waiting on the sidelines to rip us to shreds for the crime of finding a little happiness? I read these posts today and I was struck again how mean-spirited and petty people can be. The blogger posted a couple of pictures of items she had purchased and along came a killjoy to question if she really ought to be purchasing red shoes when she was just recently lamenting over financial difficulties in her life. I don't get it. How do the red shoes take away from any of us out here reading about them? If red shoes gave the blogger a reason to smile then who are we to steal that away from her?

We've all got sad tales to tell. I know I've got at least a million of them. We seem to cling to them like they're life rafts instead of recognizing them as anchors that are pulling us under. We like following trainwrecks, and scoff at people who present their lives in a positive light. I'm guilty of this sometimes. I don't mind people who have wonderful lives who write about them, but I will say that I have read blogs where the blogger will present a life of peaches and cream then one day snap and confess that it's all been a cover for all sorts of dysfunction going on. WTF? I don't like that crap. At least be real. Have a good day then a bad day like the rest of us, and don't concoct fairytales to tell just because it might sound better than my bitching about spit on the mirrors from people sloppily brushing their teeth.

I don't mind admitting that I'm all over the place most of the time. But I am able to be happy for other people when I see that they are happy. It shouldn't be that difficult to share in the little joys that help give us hope that things will get better--the joys that lighten our hearts momentarily. I just wish we could all be happy for one another when good things happen instead of thinking someone else's joy means there might be less for us somehow, or that someone isn't deserving of happiness just because we say so.

A grateful heart

"Thou hast given so much to me,
Give one thing more, - a grateful heart;
Not thankful when it pleaseth me,
As if Thy blessings had spare days,
But such a heart whose pulse may be Thy praise."~George Herbert

I woke up and I lived another day, and everyone that I love lived right along with me in good health and happiness & sometimes I forget how wonderful that is, how lucky we all are, just to be here.

I am trying to start my days reminding myself to appreciate all the small things that sometimes feel so small that I end up wanting more because I think having more will lead to a happiness I feel I might be missing out on. I think if I can remind myself often enough, it will become a habit. I will wake up and I will live and I will think to myself, this is enough. I am positive that repetition is the key to pulling this off.

Something else I am trying to do is actively look for the good in people rather than jump to my own biased conclusions based on nothing but assumptions. I want to learn to look past the surface to see what's real because that's what I expect from others for myself. I don't know when I became the sort of person who sometimes lacks compassion for people I don't understand, but somewhere along the way, that's what I've become. I'm impatient and dismissive and I want to change that about myself.

I found this bag of photographs in my closet today stuffed behind one of those plastic tote containers. If there is one thing I did right while my children were growing up, it was take a lot of pictures of them. I haven't gotten around to putting them all in albums but there's a part of me that thinks that will be a great little pastime when I am old and am looking for something to lift my spirits and help me remember. Every picture tells a story and brings me back. There is no way my mind could ever remember it all and I'm so glad I took hundreds of photographs to help give my past back to me. I wish I felt safe enough here to share that part of my life with you but I don't (with pictures). Maybe I'll post a picture of myself some day if I get brave enough. I am scared to involve my children in something they haven't agreed to participate in, but you should know how hugely I am blessed.

My husband has been home most of the week and whenever that happens, I notice how unstructured my life becomes. Every single plan I have flies out the window in favor of goofing off with him and he encourages this because he's bad like that. I totally did not make my bed today, I ate Chinese food for lunch and insisted we stop at Dairy Queen on the way home under the guise of needing to use the restroom when in fact I just wanted one of those vanilla ice cream cones dipped in chocolate.

Reasons for happiness

"We all have reasons
for moving.
I move
to keep things whole." ~Mark Strand

Here are a few things that make me happy lately:

-The other day we went for a "little drive up the road" for about three hours and ended up in another state and the Dairy Queen there had chocolate ice cream and I got a vanilla and chocolate swirl cone and it was delicious! I love Dairy Queen but love the ones that have chocolate more (where I live they only have vanilla!!!)

-Watching Wimbledon. I am a huge tennis fan and I love this time of the year when Wimbledon and the US Open roll around. I could watch it all day long.

-Watermelon! YUM! I buy them whole (seedless, of course)and cut them up in little pieces and they have to be ice cold and then I eat them all up in almost one sitting. This is one fruit that I can hog all by myself because I hide it deep in the refrigerator and no one bothers to look for it.

-We finally got notification that our stimulus check is on its way. We're always the last to get everything so this is a real thrill. Plus, we always OWE taxes so it's nice to be getting something back for a change. Not that we're going to do anything fun with it. It comes just in time to pay for the repairs on my son's car. Every frivolous cent that comes into this house predictably seems to go to something for my son (out of state college tuition, etc.) Not that I'm keeping track or anything.

-Rainbows. We had some freaky weather here last night and after it all went down, the sky turned this yellow-orange color and I don't know--it kind of felt like I was smack dab in the middle of the Wizard of Oz or something so I went outside to take a closer look and there was this perfect rainbow arching the sky. It was beautiful. I wished on it. I believe rainbows (seeing them) bring good luck. I believe in good luck!

You'll sit alone forever if you wait for the right time--what are you hoping for?

Can I tell you I get tired of their neediness and their noise and their inability to see the messes they create unless I point it out to them? Can I tell you that I sometimes bite my lip until it hurts when I am in the middle of something and I am called away from what I am doing to pick someone up and taxi them around some more? Can I tell you that I sometimes calculate in my head the hours of monotonous, mindless driving I do and think..."this is how I am spending my life..." and then I have to quickly forget about it because if I don't, the thought consumes me and makes me feel bitter, and angry, and cold inside?

Can I tell you that a lot of the time I do things not because I want to, but because I think it will be easier if I just go along...and how that makes me feel small and unimportant and weak because who does this besides me...who is always willing to be considered last all the time the way I am? Can I tell you that I do not think that my happiness is anyone's number one concern...that I am thought of in terms of what I can do for others...and that more times than not, I am perfectly ok with that until I am not?

Can I tell you that I feel like my life is about filling other people up? Can I say that when I think I cannot do any of it for another day, I somehow take a deep breath and get up and do it again and I then I think to myself that surely I will be rewarded for being the type of person who doesn't quit...and that believing this little lie I tell myself, is what keeps me moving in the right direction?

Can I tell you that listening to one of my children cough incessantly makes my skin crawl and that I have to hold myself back from screaming, "shut the fuck up" even though the cough is not something that can be controlled or stopped just because I cannot stand hearing it anymore? Can I possibly say that I am spending my life trying to make other people happy and that when they are not happy I resent them in a huge, indescribable way? Can I tell you that I feel like every minute of every day will always be theirs and not mine because when you have children that's what happens and so you learn to give over your life to other people minute by minute, day after day.

Can I tell you I made mistakes that I carry around in my heart and in my head and how those mistakes weigh me down with a sadness that never quite leaves me? Can I say I've been disappointed by the people I have loved but when they disappoint me I think it's something I probably deserve anyway? Can I say I wish I loved everyone better, and gave more hugs, and spent less time worrying about things that don't matter? Can I tell you I choke down so many things I want to say because I know that saying them might make others see me differently and I don't want to risk them rejecting the real me who is sometimes so very ugly? Can I say that if I did not have my husband and children that I know I could be happy alone but that I would never say as much because it feels disloyal to be this kind of honest when it doesn't reflect how I feel the majority of the time?

And if you let me say all this, is it possible for you to believe that most of the time I feel lucky? That all I know about life and love I learned from them? Can you understand the complexity of life is such that contradictions abound in every feeling and thought that I have and that I am often so conflicted by the side of me that wants to scream and run away? Can you see why it's easier to hide the negative things, why it is better to bury those things deep in a place they can't be accessed, why it's kinder to let those thoughts be something I never share with those that I love but instead write here where no permanent damage can be done?

Can you believe that I am still happy?

Finding what I need inside of me

"Be happy in the moment - that's enough. Each moment is all we need - not more." ~Mother Teresa


It's like this...I've been reading and am almost finished with A New Earth - Awakening to Your Life's Purpose, by Eckhart Tolle (an Oprah book that I probably wouldn't have read but my daughter bought the book so I decided to give it a try), and what I am reading inside this book is amazing and life changing to me. I think mostly what I am getting from it is that I never live in the moment - EVER. I am always thinking about what I have to do or where I have to go. I am always thinking about other people. This book has shown me how I live a lot of my life in my head -- through my thoughts and interpretations about things and how when I am living like that, I am not being present in my life. The author says the key to happiness is living in the moment which is something we all have control over -- so happiness is inside us and not anything that can be found in other people or material things. I don't know how many times I've heard this same thing but it never registered before now because I kept looking for happiness outside of me anyway. He says that letting go of the dialogues in our heads that keep bringing up the past - and the dialogues that keep us looking to the future for things we think will bring us happiness -- will allow a stillness to take place within us and in this stillness we can find peace. I've been trying to apply his techniques to my life and I've felt this shifting inside me and for the first time in my life, I think I am feeling peace. It's quite wonderful.

And I think I've finally realized what is so great about exercising and I needed to find something because lately I do this whole thing where I try to talk myself out of it and I'm really wearing myself out with the bullshit I can come up with as excuses. I realized today that it's the only time that I am really "present" in my life. It's the only time I do not think of anything except what I am doing right then and there. It's like I'm really living during that time because I can feel it. I don't have dozens of dialogues running through my head that take me away from where I am and what I am doing. There's no room for all that crap when I'm focusing on making it through my run. I can stay focused on putting one foot in front of the other and breathing in and out. I think it's the only time I'm ever really me.

There was something unconscious in me that has known that exercise is a way to peace and happiness even while I'm hating it. I think that's amazing.

But here's my problem, now that I'm so enlightened, I keep trying to practice so that I don't allow other people to get on my last nerve but if they haven't read the book and aren't enlightened (my family), then all they do is push buttons of mine to try to drag me down with their unenlightened selves.

Like today...OMG...we now have 3 cars for 5 people while 2 are being fixed. This isn't a problem for me because I can find lots to keep me busy, but my husband goes off to work, my older daughter leaves to "run errands" (whatever) and then go to work and my youngest takes the other car to hang out with friends at the pool all day. Then my son tumbles out of bed after everyone has left and realizes he doesn't have a car and suddenly this turns into my problem even though it's not my problem. Phone calls get made, there's lots of yelling and basically no one is willing to compromise unless they get something out of it which is interesting since I compromise without benefit all the time and I'm not suffering.

So in the middle of all this I'm all, "I need to breathe in and breathe out and not react to their emotions with emotions of my own that take me away from my peace" and they're looking at me like I've got four heads but honestly, I do not know how I am supposed to keep peace when no one else cares or knows what I am talking about.

I pulled my hair back, braided it and went for a run. I thought that maybe my only option is just leaving them because I doubt I can get them to read the book anytime soon which means I am bound to backslide and become unenlightened again which is a shame because I really do like feeling peaceful.

I guess all I can do is work on me...and unbelievably, even with all the background noise that is my family, in this very moment, I am happy.

Off the top of my head

Just in case anyone* thinks that this family is all through with the car mishaps, let me set the record straight by telling you that yesterday morning someone rear-ended my husband's car while he was stopped at a red light. Yup. The most interesting thing about that whole to-do was the guy who rear-ended him got handcuffs slapped on him and taken away in the back of the police cruiser because apparently there was an arrest warrant out on him for assaulting a police officer. His wife pulled up in an Escalade just in time to see him carted away. I love it! Oh, and he didn't have a license in the state we live in but did have insurance and claimed he had a license from another state. WHATEVER! Here's my thought on the matter: Go back to Mexico!

I really, really, really wish I was making this shit up.

Oh, and since my oldest daughter's car was considered totalled by our insurance, I'm back to being the one left home without a car until a replacement for that can be gotten. She's driving one of our new cars and already has a nice dent in it from parking too close to someone (she has no idea how THAT happens!!!) but she's been told that she will pay for any damage she does to that car while she's driving it because she's a fucking car accident waiting to happen. Seriously, she has told me that all she does is worry that she will wreck our cars and sure enough, that's what she does. She turns into Eeyore on the road and a little dark cloud follows her around everywhere. It would be comical if it wasn't so annoying and expensive.

I'm going to switch gears now and say that today is really one of the most beautiful days. The sky is forever blue and it's just warm enough and yet cool enough to be perfect. I've got my windows open in the back of the house because we aren't allowed to have them in the front of the house due to our homeowners ridiculous covenants which claim they are unsightly in the front. Meanwhile, there is a home that's had one of those portable storage pods in the driveway for about 3 months. Now, that's attractive! Anyway, I didn't mean to descend into negativity so quickly but it's like I am out of control and I can't help myself.

But anyway, days like today make me happy despite everything trying to bring me down and I wanted to write it somewhere...I am happy.

*I write like I have an audience.*

You can steal happiness

"It's a mean town, but I don't care. Try and steal this. You can't steal happiness."~The Weepies

Except you can.

I like the idea of The Weepies song, "Happiness." The song basically says that if you're really happy, no one can steal that happiness from you, but I have to say that it's been my experience that people can and do steal happiness away from each other. I'm not sure if it's intentional or not, but I do know that there are certain people in my life who don't seem to like it if I am happy and it's almost as though they want to knock it out of me so I can't have it if they're not having it. Misery loves company but I guess happiness should just shut up and stay in a corner somewhere. I don't get that about people. I am always happy when/if other people are happy. I'm not jealous of them. I don't want to knock their happiness out of them just because I might not be happy in that same moment or if they have something I don't have.

As a for instance, the other day I had made a cake for my daughter's birthday. Her father wasn't going to be home the day of her birthday so we went into her room with the candles all blazing and we started to sing to her. Well, she had the ceiling fan on and all the candles blew out so I stopped to relight them and as I was relighting them she motioned with her hands to "speed up the process" so I asked her if she had a problem with us singing to her and she said, "well, my birthday's tomorrow, not today." Um...no kidding. I'm the one who gave birth.

Me and her father were just happy and being silly and all of the sudden it was like...STOP!!! You cannot be happy because I'm not in the mood for it right now. So then I asked her if she wanted some cake and ice cream and she curtly told me NO and reminded me AGAIN that it wasn't her birthday. OKAY! I hustled out of her room and got my husband some cake and ice cream because the reason he wanted to sing early was so that he wouldn't miss out on the cake. I know. He's like 2 years old on a good day.

But my point is that I was feeling happy about her birthday and WHAM!!!, then I was in a bad mood because I started to think how I went out of my way to do something nice and how it was unappreciated and how I am sick of having to tip toe around all these moody people who want to steal my happiness away from me.

So even though I like that Weepies song, I'm afraid it's just a bunch of nice sounding words, set to a catchy tune, that sadly don't ring true in my world.

Taking the long way home

"My life is my message." - Mahatma Ghandi


My husband wanted to go for a ride today again, so I set up a few rules for our "little drive up the road." The rules were as follows:

1.) No turning the heat to 85 degrees inside the car when it is a delightfully beautiful day like today (mid 60's). My husband is always saying he's cold and I'll be sitting in the car with the vents blowing that hot air in my face and that's supposed to be enjoyable? I don't think so. He promised to abide by this rule since it makes perfect sense however I ended up turning the temperature down no less than 5 times during our ride. It's a habit that will be hard to break, I think.

2.) No NHL Home Ice on XM radio and no 60's music for longer than 10 minutes because he won't compromise on the music with me and will yell at me for liking music made in this decade. I told him that if he broke this rule, then I'd put my IPOD in my ears and ignore him. I didn't have to do this until we were on the way home (we started off at noon time and never got home until 7:30 PM.) I know.

3.) No talking about bills. This is one of his favorite topics. No matter how many times I tell him all the bills are paid (because we sit and pay them TOGETHER, mind you), he continues to ask me if they're all paid. He slipped up once which was pretty good for him considering on a bad day he'll ask me hourly (and surprisingly, the answer never changes!) I know!

Anyway, those were the basics because I didn't want to completely lose my sanity during an afternoon drive. We're scouting out land in the mountains to build a house in another year or so. Up until just recently I have fought going anywhere that felt too isolated and peaceful. I like being where the action and noise is. I like accessible shopping. But this place we've found feels a little like heaven and when I stand outside and look around I think that I could be happy there. It's the kind of place where I will be forced to be alone with my thoughts and deal with them head on instead of pushing them away until another day and I think that might be good for me. I hate moving with a passion but my husband loves moving especially if there is money is to be made. We are so totally opposite of one another it's not funny.

We had a great afternoon except for me getting a little car sick when we were whipping up and down roads in a neighborhood nestled deep in the mountains. I had to ask him to stop at a Rite Aid to get a package of Rolaids to settle my stomach. I hate being caught without Rolaids because you never know when you might need them.

I think I'm looking forward to Thanksgiving even though I didn't realize it's next week. I guess that means I need to get a turkey. It's just me, my husband and two of my kids because everyone else lives out of state. I cook all day then we sit down and in approximately 7 minutes everyone is finished and they up leave me with the mess.

I can hardly wait.

Something beautiful

“For every beauty there is an eye somewhere to see it. For every truth there is an ear somewhere to hear it. For every love there is a heart somewhere to receive it.”-Ivan Panin

I've decided after the last two entries that I needed to lighten up. I have this terrible habit of dealing with unpleasant things by telling myself I will think about them tomorrow and so that is what I will do. I think I'm copying Scarlett O'Hara, but I swear I would do it anyway even if she hadn't said it first. It's just the way I am.

There's something about a blank page at the end of a long day that calls to me to fill it up with what is in my heart. It's nice to have a place where I can be really honest and not hurt anyone I care about. I think there are a lot of people in this world who will tell you that they want to hear the truth but what they really mean is that they want to hear the truth if it's a pretty truth and not an ugly one. I think ugly truths are hard to swallow for most people, myself included. I have trouble with my own ugly truths--admitting them, examining them, confronting them, living with them--and so it's no surprise that other people would not have room to fit mine in alongside their own. So I come here and expose them to people I do not know because that's about as courageous as I get.

Anyway, being serious is tiresome after a while and besides, I want to write about something beautiful.

I'm not a morning person at all. No matter what time I wake up, I don't think I'm ready to really face the world until around 10 AM. Every morning I get up with my youngest daughter to get her ready for school. It's still dark outside, and when I walk her to her car so that I can go through my ritual of telling her to drive safely and watching her car until the tail lights disappear, the moon and the stars are still lighting up the sky. It's morning, but there's a night sky above me. I just think that's so amazingly beautiful. Something happens to me out there each morning. My head and my heart feel a quiet peace I never feel when I am rushing through my days, and it's impossible for me not to be happy.

I forget about the little things all the time. I forget the simple joys that are right in front of me because I'm always on the lookout for something bigger. But when I'm out there in the morning looking up at the night sky I think how glad I am to be alive.

I try to commit that moment to memory so that I never, ever forget.

Chrildren

I have moments when I think that I will never be more than what I am right now and that thought makes me sad because I feel as though I have the potential to be so much more. I tend to look at my life and count the things I have not done. I tend to feel disappointed about all the things I'll never be. But every once in a while I will know with unfailing certainty that my children are the biggest and best representation of how I have succeeded in my journey here on earth. I think if I don't do anything else, that they will be enough.

The very best parts of me live inside them and I look for those things when I am struggling to feel at peace inside my own head. I've been told a time or two that happiness is not something that can be found outside ourselves but I know this to be false because I find happiness in them all the time. I did not get every part of their growing up right because it's impossible to know everything when you are learning as you go.

I just wanted to say that my life's happiness is tied up in loving them.

I got that part right and knowing that makes all the difference during those times when I'm thinking that I should be so much more.

Can't Steal Happiness

If there's a heaven (and I'm counting on it), I'd like to think it's as beautiful as today. No clouds, blue skies, a sparkling sun, fallish temperatures---perfection. I could live forever in a day like today.

With the windows wide open (first time in many months), and the music blaring, I cleaned my refrigerator and freezer. It looks amazing. I went for a run. I did not cook dinner but got takeout instead.

Anyway, I'm happy. Life is good.

Persistence when I'd rather not

What made me happy today was going out and exercising even though it was the last thing in the world that I wanted to do. I have days where I have to fight myself on this, where I'd much rather give into the aches and pains that I somehow make so much bigger simply so that I can con myself into believing that it might be a good idea to take a day off.

I cannot tell you how many times I have given into that desire only to do the same thing the next day and the day after that. My little break turns into years. I really am too much to take sometimes with my ridiculousness. Trust me on this.

So I put my sneakers on, pulled my hair back, popped my IPOD in my ears (on songs that lift my heart) and I walked.

The payoff is twofold. I get the exercise which somehow helps me cope with my life so much better (not that my life is horrible or anything, but I've found that I need to make time to exercise because ultimately it makes me feel so much better.) And secondly, I feel good that I didn't give in to my desire to be a lazy ass, and, really, that's worth every blister and shin splint. I think.

So that was my moment of happiness which lasted most of the day.

And I went out for Chinese food afterwards with my husband, and that was good, too.