Letters

"Letter writing is the only device for combining solitude with good company." ~Lord Byron

I've started writing letters to my children outlining what it is I expect from them. After using the spoken word for years with varying degrees of success, I've decided that if I put into writing what it is that I want from them and for them, then they will have something tangible to reflect back on should they need a reminder. Words tend to go in one ear and out the other. I'm hoping my letters will have a bigger impact. I know I do better when I have something concrete like directions to follow. Also, no one can claim afterwards that something hasn't been talked about if I have it in writing to prove otherwise. I think part of me is just tired of talking and talking and getting nowhere. I am hopeful that this will make a difference.

The weather has cooled down a bit and I put the screens back in our front windows so that I can create a cross breeze on wonderfully refreshing days. Not a week after I put those screens in did I receive a letter from our Homeowners about how we were breaking the covenants with our front-of-the-house-screens. Sigh. I really don't ask much from life. It's such a small thing to find happiness in having your windows open on a beautiful day but the screen police cannot have anyone be happy. I'll wait till they send me a registered letter again before I take them out because this is America and I want to open my windows when I want to open my windows. Hopefully it will be much colder by then and it won't matter. More and more I am thinking that a nice house in the mountains away from everyone might be the way to go.

So hum hallelujah, just off the key of reason

I had a happy evening out shopping with my daughter. We ran some errands at Walmart, Target, Old Navy and we also went to Blockbuster. I've been renting season one of Mad Men but have only been able to get the first disc so far because the other three continue to be out. I'm kind of bummed because they were all there last week and I figured I'd be able to get them any time but I've checked back three times now and they're always out! I would have bought the set somewhere if I had known it was going to be so hard to get. I'm anxious to get through season one because I can see season two on demand and catch up as soon as I'm finished with the first one. I guess I have to be patient at this point.

It was a beautiful day here today. I've got all the windows open and I have a fan blowing the cool air in and it feels so good. The other night I was at the airport waiting for my husband to get home from a flight that was delayed a number of times due to the weather and I noticed how I was about the only one sitting there in shorts and a t-shirt...how when people were coming off their planes, most of them had coats on and scarves and I had to remind myself that it's October now and probably pretty chilly in a lot of places even though most days are still very warm here. I don't like the cold much anymore now that I live in the south. I would just rather be hot than cold for some reason. I'm not sure why.

I've been writing here for over a year now and I'm happy I've been able to be consistent and not run away like I sometimes feel like doing. When I feel like things are getting too familiar, my first thought is to run away and start over somewhere else. It's hard for me to explain because it's so contradictory, but while I love getting to know others through reading their blogs, I don't really want other people to feel they know me because I don't think that my blog is a good representation of who I am. Everything that I write here is true, but it's just little bits of me and I know that I do not do a good job of showing the lighter side of me. When I write things that seem like downers, the following day I am tempted to delete my blog because I don't want the people that read here to think I'm a negative person. I don't even know why I care, but I do. It feels important to me that people know I am more than the words that I write here.

I have a sporting event to attend tomorrow and let me just say that I am going into this event already feeling like I will not be able to control myself amongst the parents. Earlier in the week the other team made a big to-do over NEEDING to play a match early. I swear I fielded over 10 phone calls trying to appease these people and when we finally agreed to a date and time (their choosing) about an hour before the girls were to play they called to say one of their girls was sick and that they couldn't play after all! OMG. Seriously, WTF, WTF, WTF? One of my biggest pet peeves is people who ask you to do a favor for them and then end up putting you out further with crap like this. This team has big time entitlement issues and HELLO, it's time someone tells them that our time is as important as theirs and I think I'm just the one to do it. I've said before that I'm nice until I get pushed too far, and then the nice me EXITS the building and the bitch takes over.

Ok...I'm off to do some reading.

Happy Saturday.

I need your grace to remind me to find my own

"To understand any living thing, you must, so to say, creep within and feel the beating of its heart." ~W. Macneile Dixon

It was fabulously gorgeous here today and I thought how much I wish everyone could step outside and have the bluest skies and temperature in the 70's and a gentle breeze every now and then to make them feel alive and happy like I felt today.

I spent the afternoon watching my daughter play tennis and it was wonderful mostly because she won which is always a plus because winning is everything to her. I have spent a lot of time in the past really encouraging and almost pushing this sport onto her because she is very talented and could go very far if she put her mind to it, but it got to the point where I could tell she was resenting me for wanting this for her. It's so hard for me because I didn't have parents who encouraged me and so I feel like it's important to always be in my children's corner cheering them on and guiding them where I think I see their strengths lie. Then after a tournament where she lost in a third set tiebreaker she got into the car and started screaming that the only reason she played was because of me and that sort of broke my heart because I don't want to be the person who makes her daughter feel pressured to play when she doesn't want to. I really dislike mothers like that and OMG I think I was one!

I had to take a good long look at myself and decided that perhaps maybe I was wanting and pushing this on her against her wishes. I told her I would never again make any decisions without asking her first and I've kept that promise. I've let her decide when and if she wants to play, and surprisingly, what I've found is that she started to love the sport again once she felt the pressure was off her from my end. I will not tell you that this wasn't difficult for me because I know she could be a very successful professional player if she wanted to. I know this because I've been told this by the professionals who taught her. It's so hard to feel like her talent is being wasted but if it isn't her dream or passion, then it's not really fair of me to try and force it to become hers. I don't think things end well when we do that to each other anyway. It's her life, not mine and I had to find a way to find peace with that. I think after a number of years, I'm at that point. I sit and watch her play now and don't ask anything of her except that she have fun. And when she wins, she has fun...

We went out to dinner tonight and the service was really slow but the manager came to us and gave us dessert on the house. I swear that the hot fudge sundae on top of a brownie is sitting in the bottom of my stomach like a lead balloon right now. Luckily I've got a stash of Rolaids to help ease the pain.

Inexplicably, my husband has taken the entire next week off for a vacation. His impromptu vacation will be spent at home. Joy. He has created a list of things to do about a mile long which is certainly not going over real well with me because I know how I always get roped into assisting him and how I curiously end up doing most of the work. I mean, he held up his list and was all excited as he recited it to me and I'm sorry but to do lists don't do anything for me. He seriously thinks cleaning is a fun way to spend time together. I am feeling that next week might be a heavy blogging week for me as a result of this vacation.

Off the top of my head

Just in case anyone* thinks that this family is all through with the car mishaps, let me set the record straight by telling you that yesterday morning someone rear-ended my husband's car while he was stopped at a red light. Yup. The most interesting thing about that whole to-do was the guy who rear-ended him got handcuffs slapped on him and taken away in the back of the police cruiser because apparently there was an arrest warrant out on him for assaulting a police officer. His wife pulled up in an Escalade just in time to see him carted away. I love it! Oh, and he didn't have a license in the state we live in but did have insurance and claimed he had a license from another state. WHATEVER! Here's my thought on the matter: Go back to Mexico!

I really, really, really wish I was making this shit up.

Oh, and since my oldest daughter's car was considered totalled by our insurance, I'm back to being the one left home without a car until a replacement for that can be gotten. She's driving one of our new cars and already has a nice dent in it from parking too close to someone (she has no idea how THAT happens!!!) but she's been told that she will pay for any damage she does to that car while she's driving it because she's a fucking car accident waiting to happen. Seriously, she has told me that all she does is worry that she will wreck our cars and sure enough, that's what she does. She turns into Eeyore on the road and a little dark cloud follows her around everywhere. It would be comical if it wasn't so annoying and expensive.

I'm going to switch gears now and say that today is really one of the most beautiful days. The sky is forever blue and it's just warm enough and yet cool enough to be perfect. I've got my windows open in the back of the house because we aren't allowed to have them in the front of the house due to our homeowners ridiculous covenants which claim they are unsightly in the front. Meanwhile, there is a home that's had one of those portable storage pods in the driveway for about 3 months. Now, that's attractive! Anyway, I didn't mean to descend into negativity so quickly but it's like I am out of control and I can't help myself.

But anyway, days like today make me happy despite everything trying to bring me down and I wanted to write it somewhere...I am happy.

*I write like I have an audience.*

Lucky

The past couple of days it has been cool enough here to wear a light jacket around. The air feels so clean and crisp. We even had some rain earlier in the week which we so desperately needed. I forgot to mention that while we were out driving over the weekend, we passed by a few lakes which were suffering from our continued drought. I think it was the first time I could really process the severity of the situation---docks without water beneath them, empty holes where there should be water. It's scary.

I had a productive day of doing all the things I needed to do. I got my exercise in which is a priority for me simply because I find it such a struggle to keep up. I have to talk myself into working out every single day because mostly I do not want to. But I know that I always, always feel better afterwards and so I keep my eye on that and push ahead. I tell myself that I must not give into that lazy voice that keeps telling me to skip a day that I know will lead into another skipped day until a year has gone by without me doing anything. This is my history and I am fighting not repeat it. I'm almost up to 6 months of steady exercise. I'm proud of that, but I want that number to be higher.

I have this wonderful life that I do not always appreciate and I need to work on that as well.

I have it good.

Can't Steal Happiness

If there's a heaven (and I'm counting on it), I'd like to think it's as beautiful as today. No clouds, blue skies, a sparkling sun, fallish temperatures---perfection. I could live forever in a day like today.

With the windows wide open (first time in many months), and the music blaring, I cleaned my refrigerator and freezer. It looks amazing. I went for a run. I did not cook dinner but got takeout instead.

Anyway, I'm happy. Life is good.

Loving where you are

"The secret of health for both mind and body is not to mourn for the past, worry about the future, or anticipate troubles but to live in the present moment wisely and earnestly. " - Buddha

It's sunny and warm here today again, not even a bit like Fall but I love the sun and the heat so I won't complain. I'd much rather be hot than cold and I can't explain why except that I grew up where it was cold and so I guess I just had my fill of it. Now I cannot get enough of the sun. I know for a fact that it affects my mood. I am happier in the south than I've ever been. Sometimes I like to think it's shining just for me.

We've got nothing planned of importance today. The husband usually does yard work but he got in late last night and said he didn't feel like doing anything which is fine by me. I have to spend the afternoon tomorrow with my youngest at a sporting event which will take all day so he can do all that yard stuff tomorrow.

The other day I was out shopping and picked up a copy of the first season of Friday Night Lights on DVD. It was only $20 and I have heard all sorts of good things about it but never got around to watching it. I don't usually like to spend money on silly things like that because there's always something more important that our money can be spent on (the children who are now older but do not seem to require any less money, in fact, seem to require more with cars and whatnot). But I was standing there and I thought to myself how I don't blink an eye about spending big bucks for anything that they want and there I was worrying that $20 would be too much to spend on me and I thought to hell with it and bought it. I plan on doing that more because I'm only living once as far as I know.

I'm reading the most wonderful book, The Book Thief, by Markus Zusak. It's a nice thick book and I love big books because it seems like I can make the story last forever. I'm not even halfway through, but so far it's very good. I've gotten back into the habit of always having a book on hand to read.

There for a while, I just sort of stopped reading for some reason, then this summer, one of the books my youngest had to read was The Kite Runner, by Khaled Hosseini. This child of mine is notorious for hating to read but then takes a gifted Literature class where she is required to do nothing but read, so you tell me. Anyway, she loved The Kite Runner and she's said that about exactly one other book in her life so I read it and agreed that it was a good read. So now I'm back to being excited about reading again myself. I love getting lost inside books. They allow my soul soar with adventures I might not experience otherwise.

What's not to love about that?