Off the top of my head

"An honest confession is good for the soul, but bad for the reputation." ~Thomas Dewar


I listen to the same music all the time. I think my IPOD songs tell you a lot about who I am. I never remember my dreams at night but if I fall asleep during the day (rarely) my dreams are vivid. The two recurring dreams I have are of all my teeth falling out while I try to catch them in my hands and of me flying. I love the dreams where I fly. I get angry when I think people aren't listening to me. During Christmas vacation, my youngest daughter started speaking to me in this squeaky, baby voice and I cannot tell you how much it feels like nails being dragged up and down a blackboard. I know it's irrational but it makes me want to scream bloody murder. I want to tell her to knock it off, but I don't. Lately it seems like everyone uses me as a sounding board for all the things that suck in their lives. I find myself tuning them out and you would not believe how easy it is for me to do that. I like eating Kellogg's Honey Smacks out of the box. I'm sick of making the same things for dinner all the time but change is met with resistance here in this house. While I'm making dinner, all I can think about is how much I want to get the mess I'm making cleaned up. I saw a report on Fox News the other day about how more and more adult children are moving back home after college and how married couples don't get to have that "empty nest" syndrome anymore. It depressed me because THAT IS MY LIFE. I can't imagine a time when one or more of them won't be here and I think if I knew this a long time ago, I would have waited to have children because at least then I could look back and remember a time when the world revolved around me, when I got to be first. I love the smell of hyacinths. Whenever I see them I have to stop and smell them and for a few minutes afterwards, I am happy. I think it's great that the scent of a flower can make me happy. I really don't see what the big deal is about Tina Fey. I just finished The Pillars of the Earth by Ken Follett, and I think I will love that book forever. I went out for lunch yesterday and had Chinese food. My fortune said something about "not spending foolishly--and to be frugal." I hate fortunes like that even though I don't place a lot faith in fortune cookies. I guess I'd rather not be lectured while I'm at lunch and that's what it feels like. I'd rather be honest than politically correct. I live inside my head a lot. Sometimes I'm mean and I know I'm being mean but it's like I can't help myself. Mostly, though, I'm incredibly nice. I stopped watching Oprah because I hold her partially responsible for getting Barack Obama elected. I remember her urging him to run a number of years ago when he was a guest on her show and, of course, he said he wouldn't because he was too inexperienced and look what happened. I curse Oprah for that. I used to think that writing letters when I'm unhappy about something or someone was an effective way to try to change things but the last 4 letters I've written have taught me that all I'm really doing is wasting my time. I think marriage is harder than motherhood. I wish I could get back all the time I've wasted trying to get people to like me or think that I am worthy. If I find out someone has hurt one of my children, all I want to do is seek revenge on their behalf. I take burning hot showers when I can't get warm. I always wear socks to bed and have to have my hair in a high ponytail or it feels like my hair is choking me. I think the guy across the street is a drug dealer. He moves these gigantic speakers in and out of his basement on a regular basis and that's where I imagine he stores his drugs. I know a little about almost everything because I read so much. I learn by doing. I force myself to drink lots of water when I'd rather be drinking Diet Pepsi, although Pepsi's new logo, which reminds me of Obama, is surprisingly making it easier for me. I love to bake but I don't usually eat the things I bake. I don't know how to break the habit of wanting to please others, to make other people happy. I do it unconsciously and it's only afterwards that I'm left to think what was I thinking... and I feel guilty for feeling angry at those people who take my kindnesses for granted and allow me to always put them first even though I'm the one who has taught them that it's ok to think of me as an afterthought.

The Fourth

"...I wanted to feel that wind. It was a secret wanting, like a song I couldn't stop humming, or loving someone I could never have. No matter where I went, my compass pointed west. I would always know what time it was in California."~Janet Fitch, White Oleander


You know, sometimes I think my life is so boring that I won't be able to stand it another day. And it's not that my life isn't filled with stuff--because it is--filled with all sorts of ordinary stuff that needs to be done that gets done because if I don't do it, then nobody will. And sometimes I feel unappreciated, and a lot of the time, I feel like no one listens to me. There are even moments when I think that almost every choice I have ever made proves me unworthy of making choices and I regret every last thing I've done. In my weaker moments, I shift blame all around me and pretend that maybe I'd be so much more if only I wasn't attached to all these people who need and love me--like they're holding me down or back, like they're the ones responsible for my life, like they're the ones in charge. I am never more wrong than I am in my weaker moments.

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The washing machine is banging from an uneven load of laundry that my oldest daughter is doing. Instead of getting up and fixing it, my husband starts screaming about how it's ruining the show he is watching on TV (priorities!). I have to count to 50, and bite my tongue, and take a deep breath not to respond by yelling back at him to stop being such an asshat. There is never any logic to what he blows up about. This is one of those times I think-- how could I have ever picked him to be my lawfully wedded husband because all the small things start to add up and get under my skin--irritating me to no end. But I swallow it down, remembering that life isn't one Brady Bunch moment after another. Real life requires that I remember that reality sometimes sucks.

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I can still hear fireworks outside. When I was younger, my brothers and sister and I used to climb out on the roof of our house to watch the fireworks show my father would put on for us and the neighbors. I cannot believe my parents allowed us to do that, but they did. It is one of my happiest memories--sitting beside them and watching beautiful colors light up the sky. Holidays always make me miss the family I don't get to see very often. I'm ok the rest of the year but on holidays I hate thinking of them having fun without me. That's ridiculously selfish, but sometimes I can be ridiculously selfish.

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I really dislike people who use the free speech card as an excuse to bash or judge other people. Ditto for those who say mean things then tell you they were only joking.

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I don't know if I ever mentioned before how much I love to read. When I was a teenager (a freshman in high school) we were relocated and I found myself in a place where it seemed like it was a rule that if you were not born there, you would always be an outsider. I think it was then that I started to lose myself inside books. The url of this blog comes from a poem I wrote a long time ago about my love for books, how they allowed me to lose myself inside a world that wasn't mine. You should see my house. It is filled with all the books that I love--they are on tables and in baskets, piled high all around. But I don't have any bookcases which is strange. Not a single one.

Awhile back, my parents emailed me and asked me what things I wanted of theirs when they died which I thought was a strange request because the both of them have more energy than I have and sometimes I'm certain they will outlive me, but anyway, all I could think about was that Gilmore Girls episode where Emily had Rory and Lorelai put post it notes on everything in her house that they wanted after she passed on. I pictured my parents doing the same thing because they are nothing if not organized and fair about things. I couldn't bring myself to commit to anything, though. It felt too morbid and weird. But I know they have lots of bookcases so maybe I will request those--put my order in, if you will.

Loving where you are

"The secret of health for both mind and body is not to mourn for the past, worry about the future, or anticipate troubles but to live in the present moment wisely and earnestly. " - Buddha

It's sunny and warm here today again, not even a bit like Fall but I love the sun and the heat so I won't complain. I'd much rather be hot than cold and I can't explain why except that I grew up where it was cold and so I guess I just had my fill of it. Now I cannot get enough of the sun. I know for a fact that it affects my mood. I am happier in the south than I've ever been. Sometimes I like to think it's shining just for me.

We've got nothing planned of importance today. The husband usually does yard work but he got in late last night and said he didn't feel like doing anything which is fine by me. I have to spend the afternoon tomorrow with my youngest at a sporting event which will take all day so he can do all that yard stuff tomorrow.

The other day I was out shopping and picked up a copy of the first season of Friday Night Lights on DVD. It was only $20 and I have heard all sorts of good things about it but never got around to watching it. I don't usually like to spend money on silly things like that because there's always something more important that our money can be spent on (the children who are now older but do not seem to require any less money, in fact, seem to require more with cars and whatnot). But I was standing there and I thought to myself how I don't blink an eye about spending big bucks for anything that they want and there I was worrying that $20 would be too much to spend on me and I thought to hell with it and bought it. I plan on doing that more because I'm only living once as far as I know.

I'm reading the most wonderful book, The Book Thief, by Markus Zusak. It's a nice thick book and I love big books because it seems like I can make the story last forever. I'm not even halfway through, but so far it's very good. I've gotten back into the habit of always having a book on hand to read.

There for a while, I just sort of stopped reading for some reason, then this summer, one of the books my youngest had to read was The Kite Runner, by Khaled Hosseini. This child of mine is notorious for hating to read but then takes a gifted Literature class where she is required to do nothing but read, so you tell me. Anyway, she loved The Kite Runner and she's said that about exactly one other book in her life so I read it and agreed that it was a good read. So now I'm back to being excited about reading again myself. I love getting lost inside books. They allow my soul soar with adventures I might not experience otherwise.

What's not to love about that?