I need your grace to remind me to find my own

"To understand any living thing, you must, so to say, creep within and feel the beating of its heart." ~W. Macneile Dixon

It was fabulously gorgeous here today and I thought how much I wish everyone could step outside and have the bluest skies and temperature in the 70's and a gentle breeze every now and then to make them feel alive and happy like I felt today.

I spent the afternoon watching my daughter play tennis and it was wonderful mostly because she won which is always a plus because winning is everything to her. I have spent a lot of time in the past really encouraging and almost pushing this sport onto her because she is very talented and could go very far if she put her mind to it, but it got to the point where I could tell she was resenting me for wanting this for her. It's so hard for me because I didn't have parents who encouraged me and so I feel like it's important to always be in my children's corner cheering them on and guiding them where I think I see their strengths lie. Then after a tournament where she lost in a third set tiebreaker she got into the car and started screaming that the only reason she played was because of me and that sort of broke my heart because I don't want to be the person who makes her daughter feel pressured to play when she doesn't want to. I really dislike mothers like that and OMG I think I was one!

I had to take a good long look at myself and decided that perhaps maybe I was wanting and pushing this on her against her wishes. I told her I would never again make any decisions without asking her first and I've kept that promise. I've let her decide when and if she wants to play, and surprisingly, what I've found is that she started to love the sport again once she felt the pressure was off her from my end. I will not tell you that this wasn't difficult for me because I know she could be a very successful professional player if she wanted to. I know this because I've been told this by the professionals who taught her. It's so hard to feel like her talent is being wasted but if it isn't her dream or passion, then it's not really fair of me to try and force it to become hers. I don't think things end well when we do that to each other anyway. It's her life, not mine and I had to find a way to find peace with that. I think after a number of years, I'm at that point. I sit and watch her play now and don't ask anything of her except that she have fun. And when she wins, she has fun...

We went out to dinner tonight and the service was really slow but the manager came to us and gave us dessert on the house. I swear that the hot fudge sundae on top of a brownie is sitting in the bottom of my stomach like a lead balloon right now. Luckily I've got a stash of Rolaids to help ease the pain.

Inexplicably, my husband has taken the entire next week off for a vacation. His impromptu vacation will be spent at home. Joy. He has created a list of things to do about a mile long which is certainly not going over real well with me because I know how I always get roped into assisting him and how I curiously end up doing most of the work. I mean, he held up his list and was all excited as he recited it to me and I'm sorry but to do lists don't do anything for me. He seriously thinks cleaning is a fun way to spend time together. I am feeling that next week might be a heavy blogging week for me as a result of this vacation.

Raise your hopeful voice, you have a choice, you've made it now

"It is only when we silent the blaring sounds of our daily existence that we can finally hear the whispers of truth that life reveals to us, as it stands knocking on the doorsteps of our hearts." ~K.T. Jong



"I wish we could squeeze in going back to see them," I said to my husband today.

I think about the porch with the rocking chair I always sit in--the one painted bluish gray and hand stenciled by my mother. I think of the window boxes filled with pansies, the pond littered with lily pads, the birdhouses made by my father nailed up high in the trees, the quiet peace I find secluded in the country where cars are not constantly whizzing by--where life takes its time because life will not be rushed there. My life is nothing like theirs and the silence always unnerves me, then eventually soothes me.

I think of my childhood furniture in the room upstairs where we always stay when we visit. I tell my children how I slept in this bed when I was little, and how right beside me, slept my sister, and sometimes I wish so hard that I could go back again because I never appreciated sharing a room with her until I didn't anymore. But mostly I think of the wildflowers because you would not believe how beautiful they are, and how whenever I see wildflowers anywhere, I always think of them.

Summer always makes me want to go back to my other home, to my other family, but this year, we're heading somewhere different. I'll be on vacation for the week.

Until then, think of me.

Life

"How we spend our days is, of course, how we spend our lives."- Annie Dillard

There is something to be said for hard work. There’s something to be said for setting clear goals and making up your mind not to falter in a such a way that it is impossible to get yourself back on track again. I have struggled my entire life with sticking to things that I know are good for me. I tend to live in extremes, an all or nothing existence, and I’ve finally realized that this lack of stick-to-it-ness doesn’t serve me or help me in any way.

I want to wake up in the morning and take care of the things that need to be taken care of without feeling myself drowning in the responsibilities that seem to confirm the mediocrity of my life. I don’t want to admit that I’m just an average person with an average life who gets up every day and doesn’t really make a difference anywhere. All too often, I take the easy way out by wishing for things but never putting forth the effort to attain those things. Then I get all indignant like I've been cheated and I look outside myself to place the blame when I know the blame is mine alone. The truth is that life is ordinary a lot of the time and no amount of wishing will make it otherwise. I keep waiting for the time when I can accept that without feeling like I'm losing something important.

I feel lost in my life a lot. I want to write it down somewhere that I’ve let years go by feeling lost–-surrendering myself to this wandering around without purpose–-to this living just to get by. I need to be able to see it in writing so that I can read it over and over again to remind myself that I have choices. I feel ashamed that I forget or ignore that fact that I do have power. It really sucks knowing that I haven't done my very best at things that really matter. I don't know of any other way to put it. It just really sucks living with that knowledge.

But what I’m learning is that no one is coming to save me from myself and this internal struggle of mine. I'm like a hitchhiker that everyone keeps whooshing by, but I think I'm ok with that now, although I haven't always been. I have people who love me, who adore me (really), so it is not a question of not having people to lean on, it's more that I need to believe I can navigate this world on my own and this is what I am working on. I'm trying hard not to be too distressed that I'm in my 40's and still haven't gotten this life thing figured out yet.

It’s hard work. It’s about trying to find peace. It’s about forgiving myself for the mistakes I’ve made and not falling backwards and becoming immobile when others continue to bring those things up. And it’s about forgiving them for not letting things go and not realizing how damaging it is to whip out that mistake list the minute it becomes useful again to bring it up. In the past, I never felt like I could let anything go when someone was always reminding me. I want to be able to let things go.

There are things I know about myself that are hard to know. The truly awful things, I simply want to deny but they do not cease to exist just because I don’t want to face them. I’ve asked myself what I’m afraid of, what I feel will happen if I acknowledge that I am hopelessly flawed? I think I’m afraid I won’t be able to live with myself which is ridiculous because I get up every day and live with myself being hopelessly flawed. I even think that some of my biggest flaws are things that win over other people's hearts, so there's proof right there that making mistakes is all part of the journey.

Anyway, I don’t know why it is always such an awful shock to realize I'll never be perfect.

And who knows, maybe it's good that the really important things are hard work.