Not stopping

"One sees clearly only with the heart. Anything essential is invisible to the eye."~The Little Prince


I waited all morning and half the afternoon for the rain to die down to a drizzle so that I could go outside and do my run. This blog is becoming monotonous--I run, and I talk about running but I can't help it--it's what makes me happy and feel at peace. This was the second day this week that rain was trying to take away my fun. I was impatient for it to be gone. But then I went out there with a hat on and a SWEATSHIRT! and my music in my ears and I ran. I loved everything about the drizzle hitting my face, keeping me cool. I loved the clouds in the sky and the trees turning beautiful fall colors and the stream of water rushing down the street beside me. I feel closest to God--with the divine greatness of the universe--when I am outdoors. I never, ever in my whole life took the time to look around and really appreciate all the natural beauty around me, so it's like I am making up for lost time.

I spent the last couple of weeks getting my house in shape for a visit from my in-laws and then at the very last minute they decided that the trip was just too long to make. At first I was like---huh? But then I remembered how miserable I feel when I am in a car for endless hours--how my body aches and how bored to death I feel. And I thought about how they're so much older and shouldn't have to do anything they don't want to do and then I was ok with it. It's not like getting angry would have changed things anyway so I didn't bother wasting the energy. My house is looking spotless and organized, so in a way, I am thankful for the little push to get things in order.

Believe it or not, I think about writing here a lot, although it's clear that I do not actually come here and write very often. There really isn't much going on in my life that's interesting from the outside looking in. I've been going through some internal changes that are difficult to articulate. All I know is that I have searched tirelessly for truth and peace and God---and after all the searching, I found them all inside me. I was looking outside when I should have been looking within. I'm rejecting fear and choosing love. As much as possible, I am trying to send out into the world good energies so that good energies come back to me and it's working. I am being pleasantly surprised by the power I have that I did not know I had. I am happier than I have ever been in my entire life. My life is truly what I make it.

He said, ask anything

I am trying to limit my time online. I was becoming increasingly depressed about the state of, well, everything. The mainstream media insults our intelligence by only reporting news which has been approved by "higher ups" in the broadcasting industry. This means we get watered down information or bloated information depending on what the real agenda is behind the scenes. So I look to the internet to tell me the truth, and the truth is mostly always ugly. I'll be in a good mood and forget that our government is marching us towards socialism/communism and then I'll read something that reminds me and I start sinking into a pit of despair again.

I have been making sure that I stay committed to my running again. I feel less pessimistic about the world for at least the couple of hours it takes me to work out, cool down, shower and get on with my day. I feel peace in those two hours, and there are even moments where I can convince myself that we are not doomed, that something or someone will intervene on our behalf and save us from our traitorous government. I'll be quite honest--I've handed it over to God because I do not know what else to do. On my good days, I am convinced that evil will not prevail because no matter how powerful evil forces can be, God, in His infinite goodness, is the ultimate superpower. I find myself praying all the time--for guidance, for strength, for patience, for hope. I have spent inordinate amounts of time searching for answers, for truth. I read everything and I am open to all sorts of different opinions on things because I think it is a mistake to think that there is only one way that is the right way. I've read articles by people who say there is no God and I can understand where they are coming from even though I do not feel that same way. For me, it's essential to believe in God, to know that He is somewhere watching over all of us. I try not to question if my faith is a result of not being able to bear the thought that God doesn't exist, because I pretty much know I couldn't bear the thought of that. So it's settled for me. There is a God of goodness and light and I pray to Him always to watch over us and keep us safe. I pray for the destruction of the evil people who are ruining everything. I don't even care if this is an awful thing to do because it feels right to me. I'm sick and tired of being kind to people who wish to do me and my family harm--so I wish on them what they are doing to us--times a million.

My washing machine broke today, so I had to run out and buy a new one but it won't be delivered until Wednesday. By then, the pile of unwashed clothes ought to be up to the ceiling in the laundry room. I usually can't skip even a day or I end up being sorry that I thought I could get by without doing at least one load. My life is one thrill after another, to be sure.

I am struggling to find a balance between acknowledging the alarming reality of our changing world and living my best life, and it is proving to be quite the challenge. Sometimes I wish I didn't know so much, that I didn't search and search and search to find out truths that take some of the color out of the world for me. Still, I think I'd rather know than not know because at least I will not be surprised, I will not be caught off guard. I've always hated surprises unless the surprises are diamonds or sapphires or rubies.

There you go with hope again

I spent the last week sitting on a beach staring out at this awe-inspiring ocean.

I keep this memory close and take it out when I need to remember just how beautiful life can be.

6:28 PM

I think the days I am happiest are the days that are filled almost to bursting. And it's on these days that are filled almost to bursting that I remember why. It's because I live in the moment every moment. I stop living inside my head. I do not regret the past. I do not worry about the future. I stop chasing peace and peace finds me.

I drove by a man mowing his lawn today. I had my windows cracked just a little. The smell was heavenly and I know this is a silly thing to write about, but I want to be able to come back and read this some day and remember how much I love that smell. Next to the smell of Windex, it might be my all time favorite.

I love all 30 days in September, but I love September 16th the best because it's my son's birthday. I am incredibly lucky to have him. I wish him the all that's good in this world.

When they aren't soothing my soul, vacations make me tired

"Laughter is an instant vacation." ~Milton Berle

They fight over the radio station, where we will go to eat, what TV show we will watch, how long it takes to get there, how long it takes us to get back, who is carrying the heaviest bags, whether the AC in the room is too hot or too cold, whether the ocean is miracle or just a body of water with a lot of annoying sand all around, DH driving too slow and taking corners too sharply and causing her to shift in her seat, politics, tattoos and body piercing and DH's sexist views of both, whether we should take a sightseeing cruise, DH's horrible snoring which he claims he doesn't do! They argue and fight about everything.

I fight the losing battle to keep the peace.

I bring along novels to escape their histrionics because they are relentless in their need to be right about everything and they seem to enjoy the sparring. I bring my IPOD along as well. It is filled with songs that will tell you a lot about who I am. I feel myself shrinking around them because I just want everyone to be happy and don't understand this need to create friction all the damn time. I plead with them to stop, to be kind to each other. I know I have a purpose here with them, I'm just not certain what it is yet or if I'll ever be successful.

But the ocean? The ocean was peaceful and healing. It was emerald green and blue, and sometimes it was a beautiful mix of both colors. The sun looked like it was dancing on top of the water and I wished I could float on top of it forever. On the horizon, not too far from shore, we could see dolphins swimming and jumping. The sand was the purest white, soft and cool. There weren't enough shells but the ones I found were bright white and shaped perfectly. I brought them home and placed them in my jar of shells. I love the sound of the ocean. I love the sun setting on top of the water. I love thinking about all the life contained within it.

I came home and did laundry, emptied the dishwasher, and stored the luggage away in my closet. I know this routine by heart. I am happy this routine gets interrupted every once in a while, that I get to live away from it, even if only for a week.

When I walk, I can still feel some sand in my shoes. It secretly makes me happy knowing I still have a part of that world so close to me, helping me remember.

The road outside my house is paved with good intentions

My commitment to peace lasted less than 24 hours.

Yesterday started off with a nice little yelling match with my son that could not be avoided. Then I went into my daughter's room and it was a pigsty so I left her a passive aggressive note on the door that said she needed to clean up her room or move out (actually, there's nothing passive about that note so let's just call it aggressive).

Then I'm at the grocery store and there is one line that is feeding into 4 self checkouts and I am next in line and this woman decides she's going to create a NEW LINE beside me because she sees that the checkout on the right was moving fast so she thought she'd sneak in there and instead of ignoring her since she only had a couple of things I told her that there was ONE LINE and it was behind me and then I moved my cart to cut her off. She did get behind me, though. I mean, it would be one thing if she asked me nicely if she could go before me but this sense of entitlement that certain people have is pissing me off big time.

Last but not least, my doorbell rings and I always check to see who it is first through these little side blinds and as I'm peeking out, the guy outside is peeking in (hate that!!) so I open the door and he tries to sell me pest control. I told him I wasn't interested and he asked me how I knew I wasn't interested and I'm just telling you that door to door salesmen need to back the fuck off me with their smartass remarks. I asked him if he knew how to read and he said yes so I told him to take a stroll back to the front of the neighborhood and take notice of the NO SOLICTING sign, then I slammed the door and locked it behind me.

So, yeah, this serenity thing is working out well.

Moving on...Coming to my blog and seeing comments is so delightfully surprising to me. I was worried that the whole thing would be a drag but so far it's such a positive and I love positives. I'm very appreciative of those who've stopped by.

The weather is starting to clear so I'm off for a run. It's my way of getting high without doing anything illegal.

Finding what I need inside of me

"Be happy in the moment - that's enough. Each moment is all we need - not more." ~Mother Teresa


It's like this...I've been reading and am almost finished with A New Earth - Awakening to Your Life's Purpose, by Eckhart Tolle (an Oprah book that I probably wouldn't have read but my daughter bought the book so I decided to give it a try), and what I am reading inside this book is amazing and life changing to me. I think mostly what I am getting from it is that I never live in the moment - EVER. I am always thinking about what I have to do or where I have to go. I am always thinking about other people. This book has shown me how I live a lot of my life in my head -- through my thoughts and interpretations about things and how when I am living like that, I am not being present in my life. The author says the key to happiness is living in the moment which is something we all have control over -- so happiness is inside us and not anything that can be found in other people or material things. I don't know how many times I've heard this same thing but it never registered before now because I kept looking for happiness outside of me anyway. He says that letting go of the dialogues in our heads that keep bringing up the past - and the dialogues that keep us looking to the future for things we think will bring us happiness -- will allow a stillness to take place within us and in this stillness we can find peace. I've been trying to apply his techniques to my life and I've felt this shifting inside me and for the first time in my life, I think I am feeling peace. It's quite wonderful.

And I think I've finally realized what is so great about exercising and I needed to find something because lately I do this whole thing where I try to talk myself out of it and I'm really wearing myself out with the bullshit I can come up with as excuses. I realized today that it's the only time that I am really "present" in my life. It's the only time I do not think of anything except what I am doing right then and there. It's like I'm really living during that time because I can feel it. I don't have dozens of dialogues running through my head that take me away from where I am and what I am doing. There's no room for all that crap when I'm focusing on making it through my run. I can stay focused on putting one foot in front of the other and breathing in and out. I think it's the only time I'm ever really me.

There was something unconscious in me that has known that exercise is a way to peace and happiness even while I'm hating it. I think that's amazing.

But here's my problem, now that I'm so enlightened, I keep trying to practice so that I don't allow other people to get on my last nerve but if they haven't read the book and aren't enlightened (my family), then all they do is push buttons of mine to try to drag me down with their unenlightened selves.

Like today...OMG...we now have 3 cars for 5 people while 2 are being fixed. This isn't a problem for me because I can find lots to keep me busy, but my husband goes off to work, my older daughter leaves to "run errands" (whatever) and then go to work and my youngest takes the other car to hang out with friends at the pool all day. Then my son tumbles out of bed after everyone has left and realizes he doesn't have a car and suddenly this turns into my problem even though it's not my problem. Phone calls get made, there's lots of yelling and basically no one is willing to compromise unless they get something out of it which is interesting since I compromise without benefit all the time and I'm not suffering.

So in the middle of all this I'm all, "I need to breathe in and breathe out and not react to their emotions with emotions of my own that take me away from my peace" and they're looking at me like I've got four heads but honestly, I do not know how I am supposed to keep peace when no one else cares or knows what I am talking about.

I pulled my hair back, braided it and went for a run. I thought that maybe my only option is just leaving them because I doubt I can get them to read the book anytime soon which means I am bound to backslide and become unenlightened again which is a shame because I really do like feeling peaceful.

I guess all I can do is work on me...and unbelievably, even with all the background noise that is my family, in this very moment, I am happy.

I am flawed but I am cleaning up so well...I am seeing in me now the things you swore you saw yourself

"To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you like everybody else means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting." ~e.e. cummings, 1955


A couple of days ago I was reading a blog where the writer posted pictures of her apartment. She went from room to room and the photos were lovely. Her place was quaint and cute and looked like a place I could see myself living if I was single and childless. But what made me fall a little in love with her was that she posted a picture of a closet of hers that she said she was finally going to start organizing. The closet was a disaster. I mean, it was piled high with all sorts of stuff. It was a jumbled, ridiculous mess and I couldn't stop staring at it. I kept thinking how brave she was to post something like that because not in a million years would you ever get me to post the insides of my junk drawers (which outnumber the organized drawers) or my closets. And part of me was just really happy and relieved to know that there was someone else in the world who had closets that were a mess.

I remember sitting in the kitchen of one of my good friends a couple of years ago. While we were chatting she was emptying her dishwasher and putting away bibs and dish towels and whatnot. When she opened the drawer with the bibs and the dish towels I almost fell off my stool because OMG, everything was folded so neatly and put in these perfect little piles and OMG not in a million years would I ever be able to maintain that sort of organization for more than a day. She opened cabinets, too, and they were all perfection. It took my breath away. On my way home, I felt tears starting to fall because there's something about organized people that makes me feel like I am a colossal failure. I want so desperately to be like them but I always, always fall short. I want to know their secret.

I'm good at having things look presentable on the surface, but don't dare open a drawer, or a closet, or peek under the bed because the truth of it is that beneath the facade of cleanliness, everything's a jumbled mess and I'd rather everyone have the illusion of me being better than that. I'd be a shoe in for Queen of Surface Cleaning if there was such a thing. If only.

Anyway, I was thinking how brave that blogger was to put it out there that she had a closet that was such a disaster. I'm not brave like that. What typically happens is that I get inspired to clean up my act, and I tear my house apart so that I can be organized, too, because I think that being organized is the secret to feeling at peace because you're never worried that someone will come over and discover what a disaster you are. I'm convinced this will make me feel at peace in the world. So I work like a mad woman cleaning everything up, and when I'm done I'm so exhausted and sick of the whole thing that I let everything fall back into chaos in no time. I get about a week and a half of peace before I'm back where I started.

What this all says about me is beyond me. I'd like to think I'm just too busy doing more important things, but that's not true. Books call me away, my friends call me away, the sunshine calls me away. I have excuses for everything. It's more that I don't want to work that hard at all the nitpicky things you have to do to maintain an organized life.

I remain a work in progress.

And I lie to myself, and say it was for the best

Do you keep a list of things that you have never done, or never experienced? And if you keep a list of things that you know you will never be able to have or experience, then how do you ever get past the feeling of loss that lives beneath the surface? How do you stop wanting things you know you will never have?

I keep a list. It isn't long, and mostly I don't drag it out to remind myself because I believe that being positive helps promote hope and joy in a world that sometimes feels as though all it wants to do is drag me down. These are things that I know I cannot go back in time to reclaim and so they are forever lost to me. It can be argued that these losses were the direct result of my own choices and/or mistakes, but that doesn't make them feel any less painful. When you know you are to blame, then how do you stop blaming yourself? How do you learn to forgive and forget?

There are many people who will tell you that they have no regrets in their lives, that the successes and failures accumulated along the way have made them what they are today and for the most part, I can buy into all that. What I cannot tell you is that I do not have regrets because I do. I sometimes wish I could go back and have a redo. I don't live in the past, but I do look back and think I would do certain things differently if I had the chance. I am always wanting more chances.

What I want to know is how to let go of the losses that I seem destined to mourn forever, particularly when I am taking inventory of my life and feeling as though I will never get things right. How do I find peace like a star-filled sky? How do I feel a quiet peace inside of me?

Maybe the answer is that there is no answer, and that life is meant to be just what it is at this very moment. I keep thinking that I will wake up some day and know everything there is to know, but I don't.

I wake up and start again. I keep with me the experiences that led me to this place. I remember the things I wish I did differently or not at all. I write a list of things I will never have or never do and I fold it up and hide it because I am big on hiding things that feel hard. I tell myself that I am over learning things the hard way.

I can't go back so I move on.

Something beautiful

“For every beauty there is an eye somewhere to see it. For every truth there is an ear somewhere to hear it. For every love there is a heart somewhere to receive it.”-Ivan Panin

I've decided after the last two entries that I needed to lighten up. I have this terrible habit of dealing with unpleasant things by telling myself I will think about them tomorrow and so that is what I will do. I think I'm copying Scarlett O'Hara, but I swear I would do it anyway even if she hadn't said it first. It's just the way I am.

There's something about a blank page at the end of a long day that calls to me to fill it up with what is in my heart. It's nice to have a place where I can be really honest and not hurt anyone I care about. I think there are a lot of people in this world who will tell you that they want to hear the truth but what they really mean is that they want to hear the truth if it's a pretty truth and not an ugly one. I think ugly truths are hard to swallow for most people, myself included. I have trouble with my own ugly truths--admitting them, examining them, confronting them, living with them--and so it's no surprise that other people would not have room to fit mine in alongside their own. So I come here and expose them to people I do not know because that's about as courageous as I get.

Anyway, being serious is tiresome after a while and besides, I want to write about something beautiful.

I'm not a morning person at all. No matter what time I wake up, I don't think I'm ready to really face the world until around 10 AM. Every morning I get up with my youngest daughter to get her ready for school. It's still dark outside, and when I walk her to her car so that I can go through my ritual of telling her to drive safely and watching her car until the tail lights disappear, the moon and the stars are still lighting up the sky. It's morning, but there's a night sky above me. I just think that's so amazingly beautiful. Something happens to me out there each morning. My head and my heart feel a quiet peace I never feel when I am rushing through my days, and it's impossible for me not to be happy.

I forget about the little things all the time. I forget the simple joys that are right in front of me because I'm always on the lookout for something bigger. But when I'm out there in the morning looking up at the night sky I think how glad I am to be alive.

I try to commit that moment to memory so that I never, ever forget.

Life

"How we spend our days is, of course, how we spend our lives."- Annie Dillard

There is something to be said for hard work. There’s something to be said for setting clear goals and making up your mind not to falter in a such a way that it is impossible to get yourself back on track again. I have struggled my entire life with sticking to things that I know are good for me. I tend to live in extremes, an all or nothing existence, and I’ve finally realized that this lack of stick-to-it-ness doesn’t serve me or help me in any way.

I want to wake up in the morning and take care of the things that need to be taken care of without feeling myself drowning in the responsibilities that seem to confirm the mediocrity of my life. I don’t want to admit that I’m just an average person with an average life who gets up every day and doesn’t really make a difference anywhere. All too often, I take the easy way out by wishing for things but never putting forth the effort to attain those things. Then I get all indignant like I've been cheated and I look outside myself to place the blame when I know the blame is mine alone. The truth is that life is ordinary a lot of the time and no amount of wishing will make it otherwise. I keep waiting for the time when I can accept that without feeling like I'm losing something important.

I feel lost in my life a lot. I want to write it down somewhere that I’ve let years go by feeling lost–-surrendering myself to this wandering around without purpose–-to this living just to get by. I need to be able to see it in writing so that I can read it over and over again to remind myself that I have choices. I feel ashamed that I forget or ignore that fact that I do have power. It really sucks knowing that I haven't done my very best at things that really matter. I don't know of any other way to put it. It just really sucks living with that knowledge.

But what I’m learning is that no one is coming to save me from myself and this internal struggle of mine. I'm like a hitchhiker that everyone keeps whooshing by, but I think I'm ok with that now, although I haven't always been. I have people who love me, who adore me (really), so it is not a question of not having people to lean on, it's more that I need to believe I can navigate this world on my own and this is what I am working on. I'm trying hard not to be too distressed that I'm in my 40's and still haven't gotten this life thing figured out yet.

It’s hard work. It’s about trying to find peace. It’s about forgiving myself for the mistakes I’ve made and not falling backwards and becoming immobile when others continue to bring those things up. And it’s about forgiving them for not letting things go and not realizing how damaging it is to whip out that mistake list the minute it becomes useful again to bring it up. In the past, I never felt like I could let anything go when someone was always reminding me. I want to be able to let things go.

There are things I know about myself that are hard to know. The truly awful things, I simply want to deny but they do not cease to exist just because I don’t want to face them. I’ve asked myself what I’m afraid of, what I feel will happen if I acknowledge that I am hopelessly flawed? I think I’m afraid I won’t be able to live with myself which is ridiculous because I get up every day and live with myself being hopelessly flawed. I even think that some of my biggest flaws are things that win over other people's hearts, so there's proof right there that making mistakes is all part of the journey.

Anyway, I don’t know why it is always such an awful shock to realize I'll never be perfect.

And who knows, maybe it's good that the really important things are hard work.