When they aren't soothing my soul, vacations make me tired

"Laughter is an instant vacation." ~Milton Berle

They fight over the radio station, where we will go to eat, what TV show we will watch, how long it takes to get there, how long it takes us to get back, who is carrying the heaviest bags, whether the AC in the room is too hot or too cold, whether the ocean is miracle or just a body of water with a lot of annoying sand all around, DH driving too slow and taking corners too sharply and causing her to shift in her seat, politics, tattoos and body piercing and DH's sexist views of both, whether we should take a sightseeing cruise, DH's horrible snoring which he claims he doesn't do! They argue and fight about everything.

I fight the losing battle to keep the peace.

I bring along novels to escape their histrionics because they are relentless in their need to be right about everything and they seem to enjoy the sparring. I bring my IPOD along as well. It is filled with songs that will tell you a lot about who I am. I feel myself shrinking around them because I just want everyone to be happy and don't understand this need to create friction all the damn time. I plead with them to stop, to be kind to each other. I know I have a purpose here with them, I'm just not certain what it is yet or if I'll ever be successful.

But the ocean? The ocean was peaceful and healing. It was emerald green and blue, and sometimes it was a beautiful mix of both colors. The sun looked like it was dancing on top of the water and I wished I could float on top of it forever. On the horizon, not too far from shore, we could see dolphins swimming and jumping. The sand was the purest white, soft and cool. There weren't enough shells but the ones I found were bright white and shaped perfectly. I brought them home and placed them in my jar of shells. I love the sound of the ocean. I love the sun setting on top of the water. I love thinking about all the life contained within it.

I came home and did laundry, emptied the dishwasher, and stored the luggage away in my closet. I know this routine by heart. I am happy this routine gets interrupted every once in a while, that I get to live away from it, even if only for a week.

When I walk, I can still feel some sand in my shoes. It secretly makes me happy knowing I still have a part of that world so close to me, helping me remember.

It's just a matter of time until we're all found out

There are roses in bloom everywhere when I am out running. The rose scented air--it makes me want to stop. It makes me want to sit down beside them and inhale the sweet perfumed scent until I've had my fill. I think there are some things you cannot get enough of and I think the scent of roses is one of them.

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My son will soon be coming home for the summer. Every time I speak to him, he tells me that he misses home and can't wait to get back to us. I try not to think about all the ways in which life changes for me and all the ways in which life stays the same. I try not to think about the chaos that will inevitably reign supreme here once everyone is home again. I tell myself that I am home to someone. I tell myself that I am someone's home.

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I used to live by the ocean and miss it every day. I want to sit in front of the ocean again and listen to the waves crash one after another forever. I want to dig my feet into the cool, white sand that feels like a kiss. I want to search for shells. I feel like I belong there. I never feel like I belong anywhere.

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There's a courthouse in the center of town that holds weddings on the weekends. Each time I pass by, I am tempted to shout out to the couple that happily ever after is a lie. No one tells the truth about marriage, or maybe it's that when love is so new, the truth of love being lost, or love becoming less intense, or love simply dying cannot be imagined. You must live it to learn it, and so I keep my mouth shut and drive silently by. Who am I to begrudge them one blissfully ignorant day where love is the answer to everything?

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I have secrets about me that I have never told anyone. I think my secrets say more about me than the things I'm willing to share.

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I like the icing better than the cake.