who i am, who i'm not, who i want to be

My summer has been a whirlwind of activity and now we're getting ready for our youngest to go off to college. It's such an exciting time for her and I'm so happy to be a part of it. I'm not sad in the least--I'm thrilled for her. It is not enough to say I wish the world for her. My dreams for her are limitless. I forget about being negative when I'm around my children. They have always been my hope for bigger and better things. In my deepest heart, I know that what I get from them is more than what I have given to them. The list is endless. Not surprisingly, the list begins and ends with love.

One of the pleasures of running every day is that I turn a glorious shade of bronze just by trekking through my neighborhood. I think exposure to the sun has been demonized by medical professionals to the point of ridiculousness and I'm sure that's mostly because sunshine cannot be bottled and sold at exorbitant prices to the masses. The sun has always felt so healing to me and maybe that's because my body instinctively knows how good it is for me. My blistered, aching feet are wounds I curse and cherish simultaneously. They remind me I am alive. They keep me in the moment.

I am not sure why I haven't been writing as much lately. Partly it has to do with me trying to come to terms with this life of mine. I've been on a quest for truth in everything and have found that you cannot find the truth if truth is not inside you. This has proved difficult because I'm a keeper of secrets. I can bury secrets deep inside the vault of my soul and forget about them. Occasionally, I will take them out in the dead of the night but never long enough to sort anything out. I ask myself what it is that I am afraid of and I answer that I am afraid I will fall apart if I dare to stare down the secrets/truths about myself that feel impossible to come to terms with. I think I do not have the time to fall apart when I've got real life to deal with and so I keep putting this showdown off till another day. I think the sun will continue to shine and time will continue to march on, but there are days I'm not convinced of it. There is truth inside me that I need to set free, that I need to face without fear so that I can find the truth in everything.

When they aren't soothing my soul, vacations make me tired

"Laughter is an instant vacation." ~Milton Berle

They fight over the radio station, where we will go to eat, what TV show we will watch, how long it takes to get there, how long it takes us to get back, who is carrying the heaviest bags, whether the AC in the room is too hot or too cold, whether the ocean is miracle or just a body of water with a lot of annoying sand all around, DH driving too slow and taking corners too sharply and causing her to shift in her seat, politics, tattoos and body piercing and DH's sexist views of both, whether we should take a sightseeing cruise, DH's horrible snoring which he claims he doesn't do! They argue and fight about everything.

I fight the losing battle to keep the peace.

I bring along novels to escape their histrionics because they are relentless in their need to be right about everything and they seem to enjoy the sparring. I bring my IPOD along as well. It is filled with songs that will tell you a lot about who I am. I feel myself shrinking around them because I just want everyone to be happy and don't understand this need to create friction all the damn time. I plead with them to stop, to be kind to each other. I know I have a purpose here with them, I'm just not certain what it is yet or if I'll ever be successful.

But the ocean? The ocean was peaceful and healing. It was emerald green and blue, and sometimes it was a beautiful mix of both colors. The sun looked like it was dancing on top of the water and I wished I could float on top of it forever. On the horizon, not too far from shore, we could see dolphins swimming and jumping. The sand was the purest white, soft and cool. There weren't enough shells but the ones I found were bright white and shaped perfectly. I brought them home and placed them in my jar of shells. I love the sound of the ocean. I love the sun setting on top of the water. I love thinking about all the life contained within it.

I came home and did laundry, emptied the dishwasher, and stored the luggage away in my closet. I know this routine by heart. I am happy this routine gets interrupted every once in a while, that I get to live away from it, even if only for a week.

When I walk, I can still feel some sand in my shoes. It secretly makes me happy knowing I still have a part of that world so close to me, helping me remember.