On my mind

"It is easy in the world to live after the world's opinion; it is easy in solitude to live after our own; but the great man is he who in the midst of the crowd keeps with perfect sweetness the independence of solitude." - Ralph Waldo Emerson

I'm not sure my heart is in writing here anymore. The reasons are contradictory and probably won't make sense to anyone but me. I think part of my problem is that blogging feels like it's just another responsibility to me--one I'm not willing to put my all into. There's work involved with blogging that I don't like. I don't like how you have to leave comments to get people to comment (and even then, that system doesn't always work). I know from experience that to increase readership, you have to read other blogs and comment to let them know you are reading and then maybe, maybe, they will stoop to come and read you and maybe, maybe, they will then leave a comment. I've been down this road and all I have to say is that I don't want to do it anymore. I don't want to leave fake comments at blogs just to get fake comments at my blog, however, I'm not sure what the purpose of me writing is then. I mean, wouldn't it be better to just have a private blog if I don't want to work to have readers?

The comment thing is a double edged sword. It helps feed the desire to keep writing, but it also makes you feel guilty if you do not return comments to let someone know that you appreciate their reading. I don't have hours to devote to all that commenting anymore and so I have to resort to people maybe randomly checking this place out. It feels lonely. I'd like to think I write just for me, but who am I kidding. I only comment sparingly now---when I feel I have something to say or to add. I hate all that phoney commenting where you say you agree with someone when you most certainly do not. There are so many blog cliques and I don't feel like I fit in anywhere. I want other people to read me and like me but I don't want to put the work into it that it requires. I guess I really am a lazy ass after all.

If I write and no one reads me, do I still matter? I sure hope so.

So who knows what will happen here.

I went to the grocery store after working out today to pick some stuff up for dinner tonight. When I got home, I noticed that somehow I had bought a huge box of DOTS, a box of Oreo cookies and a box of these new vanilla and chocolate pops called Mighty Moos.

OMG. I am so out of control.