Friday, January 30, 2009

Bring your checkbook

It's tennis time which means that I'm going to have lots and lots of stories about how incredibly ridiculous a simple sport becomes in the hands of "professionals."

I am being bombarded already with flyers telling me how much I will owe for sweat suits, uniforms (they get a new one EVERY YEAR), balls, spirit wear, food, booster dues and sponsorship monies. Economic hard times? Forget about it. Bring your checkbook to the meeting, that's what they have in big bold letters at the top of the flyers.

And again with the fake birthdays. I cannot take the fake birthdays anymore!!! I wrote about this last year but I think I deleted it because I didn't want anyone from her team to find it and read it...but the coach assigns every girl a fake birthday if her birthday doesn't fall during the tennis season so that no one feels left out. Then the parents are asked to bake up treats for the occasion and then they all sing happy birthday even if their birthdays are in August. I honestly have never seen anything as silly as this in all my life. I just took a quick scan of the fake birthdays (all scheduled out on a calendar!) and every single girl has a fake birthday assigned to her except MY DAUGHTER who does have a birthday that falls within the tennis season.

It makes me want to scream. This is what is wrong with kids these days. We have to make everything even stevens even if your kid sucks and my kid is spectacular--they will both get an award so no one goes home sad. Boo hoo hoo. As a another example (not tennis related but along the same lines), for senior superlatives this year they have things like BEST SMILE, BEST PERSONALITY, DAZED AND CONFUSED, and MOST ATHLETIC but do you think they have anything that says SMARTEST? Nope. We do not want to celebrate academic achievement IN SCHOOL now would we? Don't get me started because I can go on for days...

Last year we had to donate to a food fund then were also asked to bring something each week to boot and when I questioned them about the money they went into a long spiels about the cost of food as if I am some sort of idiot. Of course I know how much food costs, but do we really need to bring a huge can of Twizzlers and peanut M&M's for the players? If they cut out the crap they'd have plenty of money for food. Let's use a little common sense, people. These moms go crazy about the food and I'm a mom myself and I am telling you I DO NOT UNDERSTAND IT. They police the food and watch how much you take and it's all so petty. I stay as far away as possible from these people because I have a habit of saying what's on my mind and that doesn't go over too well with the politically correct folks who love appearing virtuous while deep inside they are as mean as the day is long.

That's it for now. I'm sure I'll be back with more shortly!

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

January is 31 days too long

I'm waiting for January to be over. I know. It's not like once February rushes in that things will magically change and life will be better. I just find January hard, have found it hard for years. It hasn't helped that I've been sick, and that the sun hasn't been shining as much. I was born to have the sun beating down on me, shining on me. I'm not sure of much, but I'm quite sure of that.

I've lived in both the north and the south so I know for a fact that I thrive better where there is lots of sun. I remember moving to the south and being amazed at all the sun I had missed all my life. When I woke up in the morning I couldn't believe it was sunny almost everyday (when I lived in Florida). I'd open the blinds and think, "It's sunny again?" It was like I had died and gone to heaven. I will always love Florida for the sun and for making me feel like I was on vacation every single day that I lived there.

I can't think of anything else to write that I haven't written before so I won't bore y'all or waste your time any further. I'm living. I'm alive. Life is good.

Saturday, January 17, 2009

Things I'm tired of...

Here are a few things I am tired of:

People constantly referring to themselves in the third person. Enough already. Say ME, not Her. Say I, not SHE. I have had it up to my eyeballs with this third-person writing crap. Is this the new thing and I'm just out of the loop? If so, I'll remain on the outside. I don't know why it's annoying me so much but honest to God I feel like smacking people who constantly write in this manner.

People who decide it's a good idea to buy a present for someone then solicit funds from everyone because they think it's such a great idea and that you must want to be a part of it. Newsflash: I don't want to be a part of it. I don't want my husband to be a part of it. At work they are always after him for money for this one and that one...for birthdays, Christmas and whatthefuckever they can create, and I am just sick to death of it all. Why do we have to contribute money for a present for the secretary of my husband's boss? HUH? She doesn't do any work for my husband. I type all his shit. Nobody has a collection for me so why should we contribute money for her? It grates on my last nerve.

Also, let me add to this group, people who ask me and my husband to buy crap from their kids when we have three kids of our own, TWO in college and one who will be in college next year. Do you think we have $20 extra dollars to spend on an apple pound cake to support your kid's baseball team? No we do not but my husband buys it anyway because he doesn't want people to think we're cheap. Okkkkkkkkkkk. Every month it's something new. ENOUGH! I never, ever had my kids sell things to other people because I know how expensive it is and yet here we are now stuck with people who want to take, take, take all the time and don't think for a minute about how rude they are being by putting us on the spot. I'm beginning to seriously hate these people.

Birthdays right after the holidays. I know it's not their fault, however, I find myself hating January and February because of all the birthdays that keep popping up. The whole thing wears me out--what with the lists of things people want when they already have more than enough and then I feel bad because like I said before, they shouldn't be penalized for being born right after Christmas. I can't enjoy their birthdays, though. It feels like I'm in the middle of great big avalanche. It feels like I'm drowning.

People who join gyms then come home and eat a whole plate of brownies.

The fact that the price of a barrel of oil keeps going down, yet our gas prices have been gradually creeping up these past two weeks. We were at an all time low a couple of weeks ago at $1.39. Within two weeks it's shot back up to $1.79. WTF? I know that's still cheap, but WTF? The news reports that the price is creeping up so that when summer rolls around we won't have prices spike up quickly. HUH? It's fucking January!!!! And then I start hearing how Congress wants to put a tax on gas to get it back up to $3.00 so that we'll all start driving fuel efficient cars that no one wants to drive while THEY'RE tooling around in major gas-guzzlers. This is America. I want to drive what I want to drive and not what some out of touch elitist bullshitter wants me to drive so that they can feel better about themselves. The hypocrisy of these people is mind boggling. I am convinced that the purpose of the new administration will be to kill the middle class. I am not being over dramatic. I truly believe this. I will be happy if I am proven wrong but I doubt that's going to happen. They do not want working hard to pay off for us. It's too discouraging for me to think too much about.

My husband asking me to come sit by him while he watches television. Huh? He wants me to sit by him and watch him watch tv. That makes no sense. He doesn't want to watch what I want to watch, he wants me to sit beside him and be happy watching him watch what he wants to watch. This makes me think that he thinks I'm the sort of simple minded person who doesn't mind being bored out of my mind for extended periods of time when in fact, I do mind that VERY MUCH. I usually say no but he keeps asking me anyway. I don't ask him to come sit beside me as I read on the computer. It wouldn't occur to me to even ask that and I don't understand why he continues to ask me to watch him watch tv. Perhaps I give off the impression that I am an airhead, but I don't think so.

The cold. I live in the south because I love being hot. I sat watching my daughter play tennis today in the bitter cold. I wanted to sit in the car but then she asked me if I was coming out to watch her and so I told her I'd be out as soon as I saw her match begin. An hour and a half into the match, snowflakes started falling softly out of the sky and we all looked up, and for a moment, I did not hate that my feet were frozen numb or that I could not stop shaking in an attempt to keep myself warm. I haven't seen snow in years. It felt like a small, secret miracle sent to make me happy when my heart was frozen over along with the rest of me.

Thursday, January 15, 2009

Off the top of my head

"An honest confession is good for the soul, but bad for the reputation." ~Thomas Dewar

I listen to the same music all the time. I think my IPOD songs tell you a lot about who I am. I never remember my dreams at night but if I fall asleep during the day (rarely) my dreams are vivid. The two recurring dreams I have are of all my teeth falling out while I try to catch them in my hands and of me flying. I love the dreams where I fly. I get angry when I think people aren't listening to me. During Christmas vacation, my youngest daughter started speaking to me in this squeaky, baby voice and I cannot tell you how much it feels like nails being dragged up and down a blackboard. I know it's irrational but it makes me want to scream bloody murder. I want to tell her to knock it off, but I don't. Lately it seems like everyone uses me as a sounding board for all the things that suck in their lives. I find myself tuning them out and you would not believe how easy it is for me to do that. I like eating Kellogg's Honey Smacks out of the box. I'm sick of making the same things for dinner all the time but change is met with resistance here in this house. While I'm making dinner, all I can think about is how much I want to get the mess I'm making cleaned up. I saw a report on Fox News the other day about how more and more adult children are moving back home after college and how married couples don't get to have that "empty nest" syndrome anymore. It depressed me because THAT IS MY LIFE. I can't imagine a time when one or more of them won't be here and I think if I knew this a long time ago, I would have waited to have children because at least then I could look back and remember a time when the world revolved around me, when I got to be first. I love the smell of hyacinths. Whenever I see them I have to stop and smell them and for a few minutes afterwards, I am happy. I think it's great that the scent of a flower can make me happy. I really don't see what the big deal is about Tina Fey. I just finished The Pillars of the Earth by Ken Follett, and I think I will love that book forever. I went out for lunch yesterday and had Chinese food. My fortune said something about "not spending foolishly--and to be frugal." I hate fortunes like that even though I don't place a lot faith in fortune cookies. I guess I'd rather not be lectured while I'm at lunch and that's what it feels like. I'd rather be honest than politically correct. I live inside my head a lot. Sometimes I'm mean and I know I'm being mean but it's like I can't help myself. Mostly, though, I'm incredibly nice. I stopped watching Oprah because I hold her partially responsible for getting Barack Obama elected. I remember her urging him to run a number of years ago when he was a guest on her show and, of course, he said he wouldn't because he was too inexperienced and look what happened. I curse Oprah for that. I used to think that writing letters when I'm unhappy about something or someone was an effective way to try to change things but the last 4 letters I've written have taught me that all I'm really doing is wasting my time. I think marriage is harder than motherhood. I wish I could get back all the time I've wasted trying to get people to like me or think that I am worthy. If I find out someone has hurt one of my children, all I want to do is seek revenge on their behalf. I take burning hot showers when I can't get warm. I always wear socks to bed and have to have my hair in a high ponytail or it feels like my hair is choking me. I think the guy across the street is a drug dealer. He moves these gigantic speakers in and out of his basement on a regular basis and that's where I imagine he stores his drugs. I know a little about almost everything because I read so much. I learn by doing. I force myself to drink lots of water when I'd rather be drinking Diet Pepsi, although Pepsi's new logo, which reminds me of Obama, is surprisingly making it easier for me. I love to bake but I don't usually eat the things I bake. I don't know how to break the habit of wanting to please others, to make other people happy. I do it unconsciously and it's only afterwards that I'm left to think what was I thinking... and I feel guilty for feeling angry at those people who take my kindnesses for granted and allow me to always put them first even though I'm the one who has taught them that it's ok to think of me as an afterthought.

Friday, January 9, 2009

Vulnerable, All-Knowing

You know those employee team building exercises where you climb a ladder then fall backwards into the arms of your co-workers down below? I'm not the type of person who could easily do that. Even if you promised me the world, even if my co-workers were all muscle-bound workout freaks who could pump three times my weight without breaking a sweat, even if you told me I would lose my job if I did not do it, I know that I would have the hardest time letting go and trusting them to catch me. Someone would have to push me. They would have to contend with me gripping whatever I could grip in order not to drop. I would put up a terrible fight. I would have the hardest time voluntarily letting go.

I don't like being a passenger in cars anymore, I want to be the driver. It drives my husband crazy the way I am always gasping and shouting "red light!" or "pedestrian 10 feet ahead" or "slow down!" I hang onto the ceiling hook sometimes, and I do this without even knowing I am doing it which drives him all the more crazy until he is shouting back at me that I need to shut up and allow him to drive in peace! and hasn't he kept me safe for years? and what's my major malfunction anyway???? I have no answer for this. I'm afraid if I don't do my shout-out-warnings that something will happen and then we'll all be sorry. I like to err on the side of safety.

I have days when I feel fragile from the moment I wake up. It's like instead of being whole, I'm all these little pieces that are threatening to splinter apart and I'm afraid if I start breaking that I will never be able to catch all that is falling away. I move through the world carefully on those days until the feeling of fragileness disappears. I guess you could say I get through them by living through them because I haven't found a better way around it.

Friday, January 2, 2009

Following my heart

I'm deleting the post I wrote yesterday about my daughter because I've just been feeling disloyal about it (even though everything I wrote is true). I feel like I'm being exploitative--bashing her when I should be protecting her. I know it will remain in reader feeds, but I don't want it up where I can see it.