Friday, January 9, 2009

Vulnerable, All-Knowing

You know those employee team building exercises where you climb a ladder then fall backwards into the arms of your co-workers down below? I'm not the type of person who could easily do that. Even if you promised me the world, even if my co-workers were all muscle-bound workout freaks who could pump three times my weight without breaking a sweat, even if you told me I would lose my job if I did not do it, I know that I would have the hardest time letting go and trusting them to catch me. Someone would have to push me. They would have to contend with me gripping whatever I could grip in order not to drop. I would put up a terrible fight. I would have the hardest time voluntarily letting go.

I don't like being a passenger in cars anymore, I want to be the driver. It drives my husband crazy the way I am always gasping and shouting "red light!" or "pedestrian 10 feet ahead" or "slow down!" I hang onto the ceiling hook sometimes, and I do this without even knowing I am doing it which drives him all the more crazy until he is shouting back at me that I need to shut up and allow him to drive in peace! and hasn't he kept me safe for years? and what's my major malfunction anyway???? I have no answer for this. I'm afraid if I don't do my shout-out-warnings that something will happen and then we'll all be sorry. I like to err on the side of safety.

I have days when I feel fragile from the moment I wake up. It's like instead of being whole, I'm all these little pieces that are threatening to splinter apart and I'm afraid if I start breaking that I will never be able to catch all that is falling away. I move through the world carefully on those days until the feeling of fragileness disappears. I guess you could say I get through them by living through them because I haven't found a better way around it.

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