Thursday, January 15, 2009

Off the top of my head

"An honest confession is good for the soul, but bad for the reputation." ~Thomas Dewar

I listen to the same music all the time. I think my IPOD songs tell you a lot about who I am. I never remember my dreams at night but if I fall asleep during the day (rarely) my dreams are vivid. The two recurring dreams I have are of all my teeth falling out while I try to catch them in my hands and of me flying. I love the dreams where I fly. I get angry when I think people aren't listening to me. During Christmas vacation, my youngest daughter started speaking to me in this squeaky, baby voice and I cannot tell you how much it feels like nails being dragged up and down a blackboard. I know it's irrational but it makes me want to scream bloody murder. I want to tell her to knock it off, but I don't. Lately it seems like everyone uses me as a sounding board for all the things that suck in their lives. I find myself tuning them out and you would not believe how easy it is for me to do that. I like eating Kellogg's Honey Smacks out of the box. I'm sick of making the same things for dinner all the time but change is met with resistance here in this house. While I'm making dinner, all I can think about is how much I want to get the mess I'm making cleaned up. I saw a report on Fox News the other day about how more and more adult children are moving back home after college and how married couples don't get to have that "empty nest" syndrome anymore. It depressed me because THAT IS MY LIFE. I can't imagine a time when one or more of them won't be here and I think if I knew this a long time ago, I would have waited to have children because at least then I could look back and remember a time when the world revolved around me, when I got to be first. I love the smell of hyacinths. Whenever I see them I have to stop and smell them and for a few minutes afterwards, I am happy. I think it's great that the scent of a flower can make me happy. I really don't see what the big deal is about Tina Fey. I just finished The Pillars of the Earth by Ken Follett, and I think I will love that book forever. I went out for lunch yesterday and had Chinese food. My fortune said something about "not spending foolishly--and to be frugal." I hate fortunes like that even though I don't place a lot faith in fortune cookies. I guess I'd rather not be lectured while I'm at lunch and that's what it feels like. I'd rather be honest than politically correct. I live inside my head a lot. Sometimes I'm mean and I know I'm being mean but it's like I can't help myself. Mostly, though, I'm incredibly nice. I stopped watching Oprah because I hold her partially responsible for getting Barack Obama elected. I remember her urging him to run a number of years ago when he was a guest on her show and, of course, he said he wouldn't because he was too inexperienced and look what happened. I curse Oprah for that. I used to think that writing letters when I'm unhappy about something or someone was an effective way to try to change things but the last 4 letters I've written have taught me that all I'm really doing is wasting my time. I think marriage is harder than motherhood. I wish I could get back all the time I've wasted trying to get people to like me or think that I am worthy. If I find out someone has hurt one of my children, all I want to do is seek revenge on their behalf. I take burning hot showers when I can't get warm. I always wear socks to bed and have to have my hair in a high ponytail or it feels like my hair is choking me. I think the guy across the street is a drug dealer. He moves these gigantic speakers in and out of his basement on a regular basis and that's where I imagine he stores his drugs. I know a little about almost everything because I read so much. I learn by doing. I force myself to drink lots of water when I'd rather be drinking Diet Pepsi, although Pepsi's new logo, which reminds me of Obama, is surprisingly making it easier for me. I love to bake but I don't usually eat the things I bake. I don't know how to break the habit of wanting to please others, to make other people happy. I do it unconsciously and it's only afterwards that I'm left to think what was I thinking... and I feel guilty for feeling angry at those people who take my kindnesses for granted and allow me to always put them first even though I'm the one who has taught them that it's ok to think of me as an afterthought.

No comments: