Friday, March 28, 2008

When it feels like my dreams are so far, sing to me of the plans that you have for me over again

I'm on the lookout for hope. I look for it every morning when I wake up. I look for it when I am working out. I look for it when I am driving down the same road for the fiftieth time and I am bored out of my mind with the mediocrity of my life. I look for it in flowers and cherry trees. I look for it when I feel defeated. I look for it in the eyes of children. I look for it in words that break my heart. I look for it in sunrises. I look for it inside fortune cookies. I look for it in phone calls from people I am too far away to see regularly anymore. I look for it in songs that stick in my head and play over and over. I look for it in heads up pennies I find on the ground.

I think if I have hope then I can do anything, live through anything, and so that is why I am always on the lookout for it.

My secret is that hope keeps me going.

I try to find hope everywhere.

Monday, March 24, 2008


Ok, we received a certified letter from our homeowners association because we....GET READY FOR THIS ONE...have screens in the front windows of our house and it's a violation of the covenants. If we don't take them down they will start fining us. LMFAO.

You should see our house. It's immaculate. There's nothing out of place, the yard is impeccably groomed, it's been freshly painted, our shrubs are beautiful. Our driveway is without grease stains of any sort. The cars we have in the driveway are all brand new so we don't look like a used car lot. The trim has been freshly painted. Our windows are spotless from my husband washing them (he loves washing windows, don't ask me why). We don't have mold growing on the side of our house from moisture like a number of homes in this subdivision. We have real flowers in a pot in the front of the house. In other words, our home is what other homes should aspire to look like. I'm not being conceited, just honest. We pride ourselves in having a nice, clean home inside and out.

I walk the neighborhood daily and here are some of the things I see that are REAL eyesores: Cars in driveways jacked up for weeks on end that I suppose are being worked on. Mold and mildew on the siding of homes that look like someone has thrown dirt all over the house. Lawns that haven't been mowed in MONTHS. Excess yard ornaments like gnomes, penguins in lounges and whatnot that, in my humble opinion, are ridiculous and if you insist on that type of thing than ONE is more than enough because five gnomes and brightly colored mushrooms and ceramic angels up the wazoo are just too much. Fake flowers in flower pots (a major no-no in my book). Four junker cars squished into the driveway. Four sets of chimes clanking away on the front porch (one is plenty). Shutters missing from windows for months and months. Stones instead of mulch which I hate unless you live in Florida. Couches on the front porch (real couches, not outdoor furniture). Satellite dishes on the front of the house that look completely tacky.

I could go on but I'll stop because I'm sure you see my point which is that the homeowners association has enough REAL violations to contend with without busting our chops for SCREENS on the front windows of our house. This is the type of insanity that makes me want to climb out on the top of the roof and shout obscenities until I lose my voice because the world really is fucking nuts.

I don't know of anyone who wants to open a window without a screen in it because BUGS COME INTO THE HOUSE THAT WAY. I really do not understand the problem with screens. There are about two months out of the year that we can actually open our windows and these fools want me to give that up because apparently screens are ugly and against the rules.

So there you have it. We're big, bad rule breakers for having screens in the front windows of our house and it's so offensive that they spent the time, energy and money sending us a certified letter telling us to remove them immediately OR ELSE.

All I can think to say is BITE ME, BITE ME, BITE ME...while I remove the screens because I don't want to be fined $25/day just because I want a little fresh air in the house.

How ridiculously selfish of me.

Friday, March 21, 2008

And I lie to myself, and say it was for the best

Do you keep a list of things that you have never done, or never experienced? And if you keep a list of things that you know you will never be able to have or experience, then how do you ever get past the feeling of loss that lives beneath the surface? How do you stop wanting things you know you will never have?

I keep a list. It isn't long, and mostly I don't drag it out to remind myself because I believe that being positive helps promote hope and joy in a world that sometimes feels as though all it wants to do is drag me down. These are things that I know I cannot go back in time to reclaim and so they are forever lost to me. It can be argued that these losses were the direct result of my own choices and/or mistakes, but that doesn't make them feel any less painful. When you know you are to blame, then how do you stop blaming yourself? How do you learn to forgive and forget?

There are many people who will tell you that they have no regrets in their lives, that the successes and failures accumulated along the way have made them what they are today and for the most part, I can buy into all that. What I cannot tell you is that I do not have regrets because I do. I sometimes wish I could go back and have a redo. I don't live in the past, but I do look back and think I would do certain things differently if I had the chance. I am always wanting more chances.

What I want to know is how to let go of the losses that I seem destined to mourn forever, particularly when I am taking inventory of my life and feeling as though I will never get things right. How do I find peace like a star-filled sky? How do I feel a quiet peace inside of me?

Maybe the answer is that there is no answer, and that life is meant to be just what it is at this very moment. I keep thinking that I will wake up some day and know everything there is to know, but I don't.

I wake up and start again. I keep with me the experiences that led me to this place. I remember the things I wish I did differently or not at all. I write a list of things I will never have or never do and I fold it up and hide it because I am big on hiding things that feel hard. I tell myself that I am over learning things the hard way.

I can't go back so I move on.

Tuesday, March 4, 2008

Destination? Anywhere but here

I didn't want this to become a blog where all I do is bitch and moan but I can't help it, I need somewhere to vent or I might go crazy.

Oldest daughter did a tiny load of laundry today and I've spent the rest of the afternoon trying to undo the damage. First off, yesterday I had washed one of those really fluffy/fleecy Hello Kitty blankets and threw it in the dryer. It's one of those blankets where you dry it and your lint screen will be filled to overflowing just from one drying cycle. I had left that in the dryer and did another small load of darks and left them in the washing machine not thinking anything about it. Well, oldest daughter transfers all the dark clothes into the dryer without taking the Hello Kitty fleece blanket out and now all the darks are completely filled with all sorts of pink and white fluffs. I see that and have a minor fit but think, ok, I can deal with that. I'll just keep washing the stuff till it disappears. I set that whole mess aside and decide to just dry her stuff that's she's left in the washing machine. I transfer it all to the dryer and put another load of whites in to wash and walk away. About an hour later I go back to the machines and open the dryer and find that a black pen has exploded inside my dryer. All of her clothes have black ink all over them. All I can think is that she must have had a pen in with her wash and I transferred it when I put it in the dryer because none of our clothes are inked up and all I did was transfer the stuff from the washer to the dryer with no steps in between. So now I have a new dryer with all ink inside it and all her clothes with ink all over them too. Luckily the stuff she washed was mostly dark and stuff she wears to bed so I'm just not sweating that one at all. I refuse to feel bad about her things being ruined when her carelessness resulted in my dryer looking like someone had a paint party inside it.

You know, I have gotten really good at never getting attached to any material things because the minute I start feeling like I really value something material, it gets lost, broken, stolen or ruined. This is the story of my life. I take the losses or the breaks with ease because I know stuff is replaceable and that people are not, however, I am waiting for the time when I can have something of value and not have to watch someone else ruin it before I get the chance to ruin it myself if that's what the fates desire, and that has not happened so far. It's always them ruining my things and I'm getting sick of it. I have to always be the adult and take a deep breath and remember what's really important in life and I do all that while underneath it all I am simmering and getting ready to explode.

Hence, this blog.

Moving along. Yesterday I knew it would be a long day since my daughter had a sporting event. I hate when my husband is in town during these times because I can't just pack up and leave and enjoy myself knowing that he's at home waiting for me to FEED HIM. So I got up yesterday and made a meatloaf and mashed potatoes and some vegetables so that I wouldn't have to walk in the door at 8 PM (having been gone since 2 PM) and have to make something to eat. I don't like getting takeout during the week because my children are athletes and I think that it's better for them to have something home cooked rather than fast food. I had everything made and put in the refrigerator and it only needed to be heated up. How simple is that? Well, apparently not simple enough.

I come in the door last night at a little before 8 and I go to the refrigerator to heat plates up for me and my daughter and I noticed that none of the food is missing. I find this quite strange since my husband was home all day and he is typically a garbage disposal on two feet. I yelled to him, "Um...why haven't you eaten yet?" And his reply? "I was waiting for you to come home." Come again?

You really do not want to be around me when I am hungry and angry, let's start with that. I specifically told him when I left that he was to FEED HIMSELF because I knew I would not be in any mood for dealing with his chauvinistic ass at the end of a long day, but did he listen to me? No. I start going off because I am not nice when I am pushed and he has the nerve to tell me that the reason he didn't eat before I walked in the door was that "he wasn't hungry." But the minute I walked through the door, his hunger kicked in, and REALLY? OMG, sometimes I swear to you that if felt I could get away with it, I would grab my purse, get into my car, board the nearest plane and leave to anywhere but here.

Needless to say he ended up fixing his own plate so he's deceitfulness did not work on me like he had planned, but just so you know? This is how it works around here. They are working overtime to drive me crazy and sometimes I think they are actually winning.

Tonight I get a call from the husband because he did go out of town and he slips into the conversation that he's thinking about funding a little escapade this summer for our son who goes to college out of state. Don't get me wrong, I love that kid to death but basically he is living a Disneyland life where we pay for everything and he takes a few classes and plays a sport. This trip is a week long adventure to the tune of $1500. I go ballistic because this sort of thing is not promoting our children growing up and out of the house anytime soon from my perspective and I really get pissed when he doesn't mind dropping that kind of money on a week long funfest but has a fit if he sees that I've bought a People Magazine. I told him to just stop the conversation right there because I don't want to know about it. As far as I am concerned his college existence is a sort of vacation as he is on his own with no one to answer to and we pay for everything. I do not think it is necessary to fund more Disney experiences when the kid is in his 20's. Call me a bitch or a killjoy, I don't care. It's how I feel and I need to say it somewhere so I will say it here.

I know tomorrow I will probably be over all this but right now I just really, really want to run away from all of them.

I know where I would go, too but I'm not putting it in writing in case I do leave and they find this,