Friday, March 21, 2008

And I lie to myself, and say it was for the best

Do you keep a list of things that you have never done, or never experienced? And if you keep a list of things that you know you will never be able to have or experience, then how do you ever get past the feeling of loss that lives beneath the surface? How do you stop wanting things you know you will never have?

I keep a list. It isn't long, and mostly I don't drag it out to remind myself because I believe that being positive helps promote hope and joy in a world that sometimes feels as though all it wants to do is drag me down. These are things that I know I cannot go back in time to reclaim and so they are forever lost to me. It can be argued that these losses were the direct result of my own choices and/or mistakes, but that doesn't make them feel any less painful. When you know you are to blame, then how do you stop blaming yourself? How do you learn to forgive and forget?

There are many people who will tell you that they have no regrets in their lives, that the successes and failures accumulated along the way have made them what they are today and for the most part, I can buy into all that. What I cannot tell you is that I do not have regrets because I do. I sometimes wish I could go back and have a redo. I don't live in the past, but I do look back and think I would do certain things differently if I had the chance. I am always wanting more chances.

What I want to know is how to let go of the losses that I seem destined to mourn forever, particularly when I am taking inventory of my life and feeling as though I will never get things right. How do I find peace like a star-filled sky? How do I feel a quiet peace inside of me?

Maybe the answer is that there is no answer, and that life is meant to be just what it is at this very moment. I keep thinking that I will wake up some day and know everything there is to know, but I don't.

I wake up and start again. I keep with me the experiences that led me to this place. I remember the things I wish I did differently or not at all. I write a list of things I will never have or never do and I fold it up and hide it because I am big on hiding things that feel hard. I tell myself that I am over learning things the hard way.

I can't go back so I move on.

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