Monday, June 30, 2008

Reasons for happiness

"We all have reasons
for moving.
I move
to keep things whole." ~Mark Strand

Here are a few things that make me happy lately:

-The other day we went for a "little drive up the road" for about three hours and ended up in another state and the Dairy Queen there had chocolate ice cream and I got a vanilla and chocolate swirl cone and it was delicious! I love Dairy Queen but love the ones that have chocolate more (where I live they only have vanilla!!!)

-Watching Wimbledon. I am a huge tennis fan and I love this time of the year when Wimbledon and the US Open roll around. I could watch it all day long.

-Watermelon! YUM! I buy them whole (seedless, of course)and cut them up in little pieces and they have to be ice cold and then I eat them all up in almost one sitting. This is one fruit that I can hog all by myself because I hide it deep in the refrigerator and no one bothers to look for it.

-We finally got notification that our stimulus check is on its way. We're always the last to get everything so this is a real thrill. Plus, we always OWE taxes so it's nice to be getting something back for a change. Not that we're going to do anything fun with it. It comes just in time to pay for the repairs on my son's car. Every frivolous cent that comes into this house predictably seems to go to something for my son (out of state college tuition, etc.) Not that I'm keeping track or anything.

-Rainbows. We had some freaky weather here last night and after it all went down, the sky turned this yellow-orange color and I don't know--it kind of felt like I was smack dab in the middle of the Wizard of Oz or something so I went outside to take a closer look and there was this perfect rainbow arching the sky. It was beautiful. I wished on it. I believe rainbows (seeing them) bring good luck. I believe in good luck!

Friday, June 27, 2008

General annoyances

"I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it." ~Jack Handey

*Buying a single scoop ice cream cone to the tune of $2.99 only to find out at the checkout that they charge 25 cents extra for a sugar cone. When they asked me what kind of cone I wanted, no one told me the cone I asked for would be extra and there was no sign. I had to fight the urge to smash the cone in her face. We're being nickel and dimed and quartered to death!!!

*Being asleep and having my husband say loudly, "K, are you awake?" It's just rude. I never do that to anyone. He does this when he wants something because he's selfish like that and it's always about him. If I see someone sleeping, I think that perhaps that person NEEDS the sleep and I allow that person to snooze in peace. Also, it's not like in the past 20 some odd years I ever wake up in a happy mood, so it stands to reason that if you rudely wake me up I'll be even meaner, so why not just get a clue and let me sleep until I wake up?

*Aisle hoggers. OMG. Push you cart over to the side so others can get by for crying out loud. Trust me, it's not such a difficult concept to put into action. These people who leave their carts dead center in the aisle then just expect others to wait while they decide which deodorant they're going to buy drive me up the wall.

*People who smack their kids when their kids make weird/funny faces when they are getting their pictures taken. I saw this happen at the beach. The mother smacked her kid hard because he kept making silly faces when the grandmother was taking a picture. How completely ignorant can you be? Being a little kid and having a little fun is a crime now? Get a sense of humor, lady and stop being an abusive bully. I really, really, really hate parents like that.

*Waiters who can't speak the English language. I'm sorry, but I have had it up to my eyeballs with waiters who cannot speak English properly. It's loads of fun asking over and over again what the hell is being said to me and then having to PAY this person for all their "help." We went out to PF Changs the other night and our waiter whispered in what I suppose was English but you could have fooled me. I kept saying, "I'm sorry, I don't understand you." He needed to speak up and speak ENGLISH!!! And don't even get me started on customer service representatives who barely speak English. I'm pretty certain they are the leading cause of high blood pressure in our society. Ditto for all the Dunkin Donut people/Subway people/Philly Cheesesteak people.

*Store-closing-everything-30%-50%-off-scams. OMG. There's a Rite-Aid around the corner that's going out of business and has huge orange signs shouting that everything must go and everything is 30%-50% off. I needed sunscreen before heading to the beach so I figured that would be a great place to pick some up for a cheap price. WRONG. I went to the sunscreen section only to find that they had re-ticketed everything--marking it up AT LEAST DOUBLE so that when you took the 50% off you were either paying the SAME price or EVEN HIGHER than the regular price! Thanks but no thanks. I just stood there laughing because I really can't take it anymore. I hate it when people think we're all stupid. I left the store immediately without buy a thing. (They had boxes of DOTS marked up to $2.00. Please.)

Ok. I guess that's it. I'm glad it's Friday. I think I'm looking forward to the weekend, but it's still early yet. I'm watching the So You Think You Can Dance elimination show that I taped because I was out late last night at the airport picking up my husband and missed it. Can I tell you that I love Comcast? We just switched and I think it is wonderful. So much better than what we had before. On Demand is awesome. I missed the season premier of Weeds and all I had to do was go and watch it on Demand. How great is that? Pretty great.

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

Have the hot tamale train make a stop at my house to pick me up and take me far away---PLEASE

"It's just life. Just live it." ~The Quote Garden

It's been a long day. It started off early taking my husband to the airport. Thank goodness traffic wasn't too bad this morning. It's a short trip and he'll be home tomorrow night. He'll come home and ask me if I missed him and honestly, he's never gone long enough for that to happen so I usually tell him no.

I came home to the daily "car battles" that have been happening here and I've got to tell you, I've about had it with all of them. We're still 2 cars short(because did I tell you all that my son's transmission went on his trip home from college? because it did!!!) and so every day it's with this bickering and fighting over who gets what car. Apparently I missed an "almost physical fight" between my son and youngest daughter that my oldest daughter broke up. This is at 8 AM, mind you, and I don't wake up properly until after 10 AM which everyone knows.

So I come home to the aftermath of this drama and I'm not in any mood to be a referee anymore which is the role they always assign me. Then I have my son giving me a lecture about how I'm not parenting my youngest properly because she's a big mouth and doesn't back down! Huh? I finally slammed my bedroom door and locked it behind me because no one here can discuss things rationally without hitting below the belt. I don't know why my first response is to just run away from all of them, but there you have it. All I want to do is run away. I'm tired. I want them all to grow up and move the fuck out.

I'm sure I'll feel differently and better tomorrow but right now I'm pretty much over them.


I think today is the last day of NCLM. I was right on track until I went on vacation and I just haven't been able to catch up so I guess I failed. Sigh. I cannot lie, my intentions are usually always better than my actions. I typically have no time for people like that. I'm quite the hypocrite sometimes.

Anyhow, what I wanted to say about the whole NCLM thing is that even though I wasn't able to follow through on my commitment, I really feel as though I got a lot out of the whole experience and I'd like to thank the Stirrup-Queen for heading this thing up.

Blogging can be a little cliquish in my opinion. I'll take a peek at blogrolls and click on a link and an identical blogroll appears on the link I clicked. Sometimes it feels like once a group is established, they don't want anyone else to come in. Now I could just be projecting, but that's how it FEELS to me so maybe there's a little bit of truth in what I'm saying. It's like they all link to each other and talk about each other in posts and outsiders just don't stand a chance against all that chummy friendliness.

The whole thing annoys me and I've mostly been happy staying here by myself and avoiding that because I guess I'm just getting too old to play games that aren't fun. I don't want to be in any group just to exclude other people. That doesn't work for me. I want to like who I like. I want to not read blogs I don't like and not feel like I have to swoon over someone just because a bunch of people say how wonderful they are. In other words, I have a working brain and can make my own decisions about who and what I like to read.

But NCLM was different because it was people who wanted to participate and I have to say that I'm so thrilled to have found a number of really great blogs that I know I will follow as long as the authors are writing. It opened me up to commenting again and while I find the whole comment thing tiresome when it feels like an obligation, I'm going to be true to myself and only comment when I feel as though I have something to add.

I know I've gained more than I thought I would , more than I gave, really, and that was nice. That was awesome.

Sunday, June 22, 2008

When they aren't soothing my soul, vacations make me tired

"Laughter is an instant vacation." ~Milton Berle

They fight over the radio station, where we will go to eat, what TV show we will watch, how long it takes to get there, how long it takes us to get back, who is carrying the heaviest bags, whether the AC in the room is too hot or too cold, whether the ocean is miracle or just a body of water with a lot of annoying sand all around, DH driving too slow and taking corners too sharply and causing her to shift in her seat, politics, tattoos and body piercing and DH's sexist views of both, whether we should take a sightseeing cruise, DH's horrible snoring which he claims he doesn't do! They argue and fight about everything.

I fight the losing battle to keep the peace.

I bring along novels to escape their histrionics because they are relentless in their need to be right about everything and they seem to enjoy the sparring. I bring my IPOD along as well. It is filled with songs that will tell you a lot about who I am. I feel myself shrinking around them because I just want everyone to be happy and don't understand this need to create friction all the damn time. I plead with them to stop, to be kind to each other. I know I have a purpose here with them, I'm just not certain what it is yet or if I'll ever be successful.

But the ocean? The ocean was peaceful and healing. It was emerald green and blue, and sometimes it was a beautiful mix of both colors. The sun looked like it was dancing on top of the water and I wished I could float on top of it forever. On the horizon, not too far from shore, we could see dolphins swimming and jumping. The sand was the purest white, soft and cool. There weren't enough shells but the ones I found were bright white and shaped perfectly. I brought them home and placed them in my jar of shells. I love the sound of the ocean. I love the sun setting on top of the water. I love thinking about all the life contained within it.

I came home and did laundry, emptied the dishwasher, and stored the luggage away in my closet. I know this routine by heart. I am happy this routine gets interrupted every once in a while, that I get to live away from it, even if only for a week.

When I walk, I can still feel some sand in my shoes. It secretly makes me happy knowing I still have a part of that world so close to me, helping me remember.

Saturday, June 21, 2008

The suckage that is WALGREENS

"Mistakes fail in their mission of helping the person who blames them on the other fellow." ~Henry S. Haskins

A little over a month ago I went to drop off a roll of film to be developed at WALGREENS. I was doing a photo collage for a friend and wanted the pictures back in an hour but when I requested this, the woman behind the counter explained to me that they were having problems with the machine and asked if I wouldn't mind getting them the following day. I said that would be ok because I still had two days to finish up the collage.

The following day I returned, paid for my photos and when I got back to my car and took a look at them, I noticed that they had given me 3x3's and NOT 4x6's as I had ordered. I went back inside WALGREENS, and when the woman behind the counter saw me returning she said, "Uh oh, what's wrong?"

I showed her the 3x3's and told her that I had ordered 4x6's. She said, "Oh, they probably should have made note of the fact that they gave you 3x3's," and I told her that I didn't really see the point in them telling me that since I ordered 4x6's which meant I wanted 4x6's. I mean, REALLY.

She replied, "Well, I will do anything to make this right for you so let me print up the pictures in the 4x6 size."

There were about 5 photos at size 3x3 that I could use for the collage while I waited on the 4x6's so I asked her if I could take the 3x3's and just come back to get the 4x6's in an hour. She told me, "NO, I can't let you have the 3x3's!"

Um...WTF? So I said to her, "You mean to tell me that you inconvenienced me last night by not being able to give me my photos in an hour only to come back today to get the WRONG size and now I have to wait another hour (at least) to get the right size and you will not let me take these 3x3's which you will end up throwing out anyway?" She replied, "I'm sorry, I can't let you have them."

I said, "Let me see if I've got this will not let me have the photos I've paid for because you need to have them in exchange for the 4x6's you will be making up for me? You've inconvenienced me twice now resulting in me making extra trips here and back to get what I want and you cannot allow me to have the 3x3's AND the 4x6's?"

She told me I had got it straight. OMFG.

I stood there debating whether to cause a scene or not, opted for NOT, grabbed the 3x3's which I had already PAID for and left the store vowing never to return. I went home, got on the WALGREENS website and lodged a complaint about the store and my experience but never heard back from them. In my complaint email I told them that I spend quite a bit of money getting film developed at their store but would go elsewhere in the future because obviously they weren't interested in making their customers happy.

Fast forward to today. I had two rolls of film that needed to be developed and had just gone grocery shopping and the closest place to get the film developed was at WALGREENS so I bit the bullet and went in thinking that things could only get better from my last experience. WRONG assumption.

I stood at the photo center for about 5 minutes and no one comes or asks to help me so I yelled to the kid at the front of the store and asked if he could find someone to wait on me. He says sure and uses his loud speaker to call for someone to come to the photo center. No one comes. I walk down to him and ask him if anyone is coming and he tells me yes. He gives another call out on his loud speaker for assistance at the photo center. As I am walking back to the photo center I look down the aisles and see various WALGREEN employees stocking shelves. Correct me if I am wrong, but SHOULDN'T THOSE EMPLOYEES BE TENDING TO THE CUSTOMERS RATHER THAN STOCKING SHELVES? I'm thinking YES, THEY SHOULD BE HELPING ME AND OTHER CUSTOMERS AND STOCKING SHELVES WHEN THERE IS A LULL IN BUSINESS BUT THAT'S JUST ME--A CUSTOMER WHO EXPECTS TO BE WAITED ON WHEN I AM IN A PLACE OF BUSINESS SPENDING MONEY FOR A SERVICE.

I go back to the photo center and decide to count up to 60 and if no one comes, I will leave the store because I have ice cream melting in the car waiting for these losers to help me. I count to 60 S-L-O-W-L-Y and NO ONE COMES!!! Inconceivable but TRUE!!! As I am leaving, I tell the kid at the front of the store that I'll just go somewhere else because it's obvious no one wants to help me which is really confusing/disturbing to me in this economy but hey, if they don't want my money, I'll spend it somewhere else. He tells me he's sorry! WTF? What is wrong with everyone at WALGREENS? They must enjoy watching MONEY WALK OUT THE AUTOMATIC FRONT DOORS!!! There is no other explanation.

I'm about to get into my car when I see him chasing me down in the parking lot (and God Bless him, at least HE cared enough to try to get someone to help me), and he told me that finally someone was in the photo center to help. Huh? This must be a new thing where you have to leave the store in disgust and be getting in your car to leave before they believe you might want to get waited on SOME TIME THIS CENTURY. Reluctantly, I go back in and give the girl behind the counter a piece of my mind but wouldn't you know it, she told me SHE WASN'T SUPPOSED TO BE AT THE PHOTO CENTER EITHER. It was like she was condescending to help me out. Un-f-ingbelievable.

She did not apologize for making me wait because IT WASN'T HER FAULT. WELL WHOSE FAULT IS IT YOU DIMWIT? No one will take responsibility for anything. No one will step up to the plate and say, "I'm so sorry for the long wait, how can I help you, how can I make this right so that you will want to come back again?" WALGREENS DOES NOT CARE ABOUT THEIR CUSTOMERS!

WALGREENS? YOU SUCK. Those will be the last photos I ever get developed in your store and this time I will keep this promise because of the total lack of respect you have for your paying customers. I'm done paying money to be dissatisfied and ignored. I'll travel an hour out of my way if I have to NOT to go to your store ever again. I will tell anyone and everyone I can about my experiences at your store and how in a recession you don't mind pissing off customers to the point that they will never come back. Must be nice.

I think perhaps a company pow wow is in order where you teach your employees that THE CUSTOMER IS ALWAYS RIGHT AND THAT THE CUSTOMER COMES FIRST (before stocking shelves and having a smoke break out front) because your employees don't seem to know this, or they missed the memo, or maybe it's that they just don't care. Either way, I'm done and it's YOUR LOSS, not mine.

*excessive use of CAPS totally necessary*

Sunday, June 15, 2008

Raise your hopeful voice, you have a choice, you've made it now

"It is only when we silent the blaring sounds of our daily existence that we can finally hear the whispers of truth that life reveals to us, as it stands knocking on the doorsteps of our hearts." ~K.T. Jong

"I wish we could squeeze in going back to see them," I said to my husband today.

I think about the porch with the rocking chair I always sit in--the one painted bluish gray and hand stenciled by my mother. I think of the window boxes filled with pansies, the pond littered with lily pads, the birdhouses made by my father nailed up high in the trees, the quiet peace I find secluded in the country where cars are not constantly whizzing by--where life takes its time because life will not be rushed there. My life is nothing like theirs and the silence always unnerves me, then eventually soothes me.

I think of my childhood furniture in the room upstairs where we always stay when we visit. I tell my children how I slept in this bed when I was little, and how right beside me, slept my sister, and sometimes I wish so hard that I could go back again because I never appreciated sharing a room with her until I didn't anymore. But mostly I think of the wildflowers because you would not believe how beautiful they are, and how whenever I see wildflowers anywhere, I always think of them.

Summer always makes me want to go back to my other home, to my other family, but this year, we're heading somewhere different. I'll be on vacation for the week.

Until then, think of me.

Thursday, June 12, 2008

Love notes

"...You are the dreamer~ And we are the dream~ I could write it better than you ever felt it..."~FOB

Almost every morning before leaving for work, my husband leaves me a little love note of sorts on post-it note paper. Sometimes he takes 2 or 3 to get the whole message down. They say things like "you are gorgeous" or that "you are my love" or he'll write, "I'll catch you later, baby." Some days the love notes will veer away from love and become mini to-do lists for me. They will say "don't forget to pay the bills," or "remember to pick up my clothes at the cleaners" or "please water the lawn." I'm not fond of the to-do list notes because I've never liked people telling me what to do. I usually crumble those up and toss them into the trash immediately so that I don't get all hateful inside first thing in the morning.

The true love notes, I keep hidden in one of my junk drawers. I have many junk drawers and maybe one organized one because I can't seem to keep things in order to save my life. I aspire to be more organized, I think about how wonderful it would be to be more organized, but I never actually do anything about it. I don't have all my crap together and don't ever want anyone to think for a minute that I do. I think the people in my life who love me best, love me mostly for all the ways in which I am not perfect.

Because I believe in the power of love, because I think that love can make all the difference in a world where I sometimes feel so insignificant and small, I stack the love notes I have saved one on top of the other so that I can pull them out and read them when I need to be reminded that I am lovable, that I am loved.

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

Ulterior motives (he's not fooling me!) - My Slice of Life Quotes

I flipped open my phone and he said, "I just called to say hi," then he proceeded to give me a list of things to do a mile long and I told him that the next time he felt the need to say hello to just skip it because I had enough of my own things to do without adding his into the mix.


My memoir in six words-- tagged by VA Blondie

I lived fully until I died.

Monday, June 9, 2008

Food and other stuff

There is never enough food in this house. I think I am buying plenty of food and then the next day, almost everything is gone again. I bought a pound of roast beef for sandwiches last night and it is already gone, along with a loaf of bread. I didn't eat any of it. I don't know how much is enough or too much or too little because sometimes I can buy lunch meat and it will sit there and I will end up throwing it away. Same thing with the bread. I guess I should be happy that the food is being eaten but it's frustrating to think I'm all set with food for a few days then find out that I'm not.

I bought a box of those sugar free fudge pops the other day for myself because the rest of the crew will eat ice cream which I don't usually eat. Well, I go to get a pop and there's one left. WTF? So not only are they eating the ice cream, they're hogging my pops. Then I was at the grocery store and saw these apple tart-like pastries and they looked good so I brought them home and set them on the counter and before I could get one, they were all gone. Same thing with a box of fig newtons I bought. They completely disappeared. I was searching for them in the kitchen when it occurred to me to ask if someone had eaten them and the answer was yes. I keep thinking that I will not resort to hiding food for myself but I'm starting to get a little annoyed. I'm not fast enough in this house. I wish I could find something they didn't like but so far they eat everything.

Anyway, we had a relaxing weekend. It's been really hot so I wasn't motivated to do anything. I finally starting watching Friday Night Lights which I bought quite a while ago. It seemed like a perfect weekend to spend lounging around. I'm halfway through the first season and am really liking it. Also of note, we switched to Comcast cable and LOVE IT. On demand is awesome. I'm not sure how we lived without it for so long.

I spent today cleaning. It felt good after being a slug all weekend. The bathrooms are all scrubbed spotless and the floors have been washed and my laundry is all caught up. Now I'm going to fire up the grill and prepare something for dinner. I don't want to create too much of a mess because everything is finally looking perfect. Of course, everyone is out of the house at the moment, so that might be part of it.

I like these moments before everyone comes home when it is peaceful and clean. It lasts about 30 minutes but those 30 minutes are fantastic.

Wednesday, June 4, 2008

Scattered thoughts

A small, hard callous has formed on the palm of my hand beneath my ring finger from my wedding rings. I pick at it sometimes. My rings sometimes feel like they are suffocating me. Periodically, I take them off to give my finger a rest. Hours later I can run my finger around the space where the rings always sit and I can still feel the mark they leave behind. I wonder how long it would take before it would feel like they were never there.


I was doing some cleaning/organizing and came upon some old pictures that I never got around to putting in a photo album. They were from my oldest daughter's graduation and in one picture my daughter stands between my husband and myself and I am smiling. What kills me about this photograph is that I was going through a very difficult time and you would never know it by looking at that picture. I think photos only tell one side of the story, or maybe photos just outright lie sometimes.


My new guilty pleasure is having the mug shots of those people in my county who've been arrested the night before delivered to my in box each morning. A friend sent me the link and all I had to do was supply my email address and I started receiving all the dirt. I love pouring over the faces and guessing what they've done to get arrested, then clicking on the photo to see if I am right. Some young girls who have been arrested pose as though they are on a photo shoot for America's Next Top Model. This kills me, too.


I was glad to see Matt sent packing last night on Hell's Kitchen. His eyebrows alone were grounds for dismissal in my opinion. Guys with feminine looking eyebrows are something I dislike. I'm not into feminine looking men especially when they whine like babies about having a migraine. Also, Matt had a diary room interview where he called one of the women on the show a "bitch with lots of cellulite." Unacceptable!!! Men who could stand to lose 40 lbs. themselves should not be dispensing weight comments as though they are Brad Pitt. Good riddance to that sweaty slob.


We're having breakfast for dinner tonight because it's too hot to do anything more. There is a fly buzzing around this house and it is fast as lightening. It must have slipped into the house when I was dragging groceries inside. If there's one thing I can't stand, it's a fly buzzing around my house that I can't catch. My goal for tonight will be tracking that thing down and swatting it to death.

Tuesday, June 3, 2008

I say a little prayer

I tried to explain to my husband how it feels for me to have everyone home and in my face all the time after it just being me and him and our youngest daughter for the last two years. The house feels way too small all of a sudden. And the stress level has gone through the roof with all these personalities wanting, needing. I guess I should be used to it by now, but it seems I am not. I told him the atmosphere in the house changes--and when he is home--OMG--it's like there's a perpetual Tornado Warning sign is flashing across the top of our home. Normal conversations fly out the window. I'm always waiting for the storm I know will come.

The TV remote isn't working properly. You might think that's just a small thing but you'd be wrong. Obscenities are yelled and the world has to stop because no one can think to get fresh batteries.

I put the timer on something in the oven and I go into another room and the timer goes off. A simple, "the timer has gone off" will get my attention but in this house I hear, "SOMETHING'S BEEPING IN THE KITCHEN!!! YOU'RE BURNING SOMETHING!!!" The dramatics are truly astounding. Suddenly it seems I've forgotten how ovens with timers work. Only I haven't. I can't relax because I live with a bunch of spazzes.

And it's rubbing off on me--this over-reaction stuff, this making of mountains out of molehills. I think I've screamed more this past month than I have in the last two years. The only time anyone listens to me is if I scream. I mean, really listens. They nod and "ok" me, but no one pays attention until I scream. I'm not saying they make me scream, but THEY MAKE ME SCREAM.

So now my husband is trying to help me out today since he is home and he is vacuuming the floors and finding stains on the carpet that he doesn't know how to clean and so he is asking me what to do and I am thinking that I just want him to stop "helping" me if he cannot do the job without needing me to intervene every five seconds because then it isn't a break for me--it's just more of the same. Why doesn't he get this simple thing?

Sigh. It's really hot here. I love the heat but it takes me awhile to adjust and maybe this is just my adjustment period. My feet have been all blistered and hurting from running, too. My husband told me I probably should just go on vacation by myself this year, but if I have to come back, I'm not sure I want to give myself a taste of freedom. I truly think it might be better that I not know what I am missing.

I've been reading lots of infertility blogs recently--more so than I ever have--and my heart bleeds for those couples/families. I never want to appear disloyal or unaware of the riches I possess because I know how blessed I am. I know how good it is to be me. In between the ranting you should know I am sending my thanks to God for giving me a family that exasperates me.

Monday, June 2, 2008

You'll sit alone forever if you wait for the right time--what are you hoping for?

Can I tell you I get tired of their neediness and their noise and their inability to see the messes they create unless I point it out to them? Can I tell you that I sometimes bite my lip until it hurts when I am in the middle of something and I am called away from what I am doing to pick someone up and taxi them around some more? Can I tell you that I sometimes calculate in my head the hours of monotonous, mindless driving I do and think..."this is how I am spending my life..." and then I have to quickly forget about it because if I don't, the thought consumes me and makes me feel bitter, and angry, and cold inside?

Can I tell you that a lot of the time I do things not because I want to, but because I think it will be easier if I just go along...and how that makes me feel small and unimportant and weak because who does this besides me...who is always willing to be considered last all the time the way I am? Can I tell you that I do not think that my happiness is anyone's number one concern...that I am thought of in terms of what I can do for others...and that more times than not, I am perfectly ok with that until I am not?

Can I tell you that I feel like my life is about filling other people up? Can I say that when I think I cannot do any of it for another day, I somehow take a deep breath and get up and do it again and I then I think to myself that surely I will be rewarded for being the type of person who doesn't quit...and that believing this little lie I tell myself, is what keeps me moving in the right direction?

Can I tell you that listening to one of my children cough incessantly makes my skin crawl and that I have to hold myself back from screaming, "shut the fuck up" even though the cough is not something that can be controlled or stopped just because I cannot stand hearing it anymore? Can I possibly say that I am spending my life trying to make other people happy and that when they are not happy I resent them in a huge, indescribable way? Can I tell you that I feel like every minute of every day will always be theirs and not mine because when you have children that's what happens and so you learn to give over your life to other people minute by minute, day after day.

Can I tell you I made mistakes that I carry around in my heart and in my head and how those mistakes weigh me down with a sadness that never quite leaves me? Can I say I've been disappointed by the people I have loved but when they disappoint me I think it's something I probably deserve anyway? Can I say I wish I loved everyone better, and gave more hugs, and spent less time worrying about things that don't matter? Can I tell you I choke down so many things I want to say because I know that saying them might make others see me differently and I don't want to risk them rejecting the real me who is sometimes so very ugly? Can I say that if I did not have my husband and children that I know I could be happy alone but that I would never say as much because it feels disloyal to be this kind of honest when it doesn't reflect how I feel the majority of the time?

And if you let me say all this, is it possible for you to believe that most of the time I feel lucky? That all I know about life and love I learned from them? Can you understand the complexity of life is such that contradictions abound in every feeling and thought that I have and that I am often so conflicted by the side of me that wants to scream and run away? Can you see why it's easier to hide the negative things, why it is better to bury those things deep in a place they can't be accessed, why it's kinder to let those thoughts be something I never share with those that I love but instead write here where no permanent damage can be done?

Can you believe that I am still happy?