I tried to explain to my husband how it feels for me to have everyone home and in my face all the time after it just being me and him and our youngest daughter for the last two years. The house feels way too small all of a sudden. And the stress level has gone through the roof with all these personalities wanting, needing. I guess I should be used to it by now, but it seems I am not. I told him the atmosphere in the house changes--and when he is home--OMG--it's like there's a perpetual Tornado Warning sign is flashing across the top of our home. Normal conversations fly out the window. I'm always waiting for the storm I know will come.
The TV remote isn't working properly. You might think that's just a small thing but you'd be wrong. Obscenities are yelled and the world has to stop because no one can think to get fresh batteries.
I put the timer on something in the oven and I go into another room and the timer goes off. A simple, "the timer has gone off" will get my attention but in this house I hear, "SOMETHING'S BEEPING IN THE KITCHEN!!! YOU'RE BURNING SOMETHING!!!" The dramatics are truly astounding. Suddenly it seems I've forgotten how ovens with timers work. Only I haven't. I can't relax because I live with a bunch of spazzes.
And it's rubbing off on me--this over-reaction stuff, this making of mountains out of molehills. I think I've screamed more this past month than I have in the last two years. The only time anyone listens to me is if I scream. I mean, really listens. They nod and "ok" me, but no one pays attention until I scream. I'm not saying they make me scream, but THEY MAKE ME SCREAM.
So now my husband is trying to help me out today since he is home and he is vacuuming the floors and finding stains on the carpet that he doesn't know how to clean and so he is asking me what to do and I am thinking that I just want him to stop "helping" me if he cannot do the job without needing me to intervene every five seconds because then it isn't a break for me--it's just more of the same. Why doesn't he get this simple thing?
Sigh. It's really hot here. I love the heat but it takes me awhile to adjust and maybe this is just my adjustment period. My feet have been all blistered and hurting from running, too. My husband told me I probably should just go on vacation by myself this year, but if I have to come back, I'm not sure I want to give myself a taste of freedom. I truly think it might be better that I not know what I am missing.
I've been reading lots of infertility blogs recently--more so than I ever have--and my heart bleeds for those couples/families. I never want to appear disloyal or unaware of the riches I possess because I know how blessed I am. I know how good it is to be me. In between the ranting you should know I am sending my thanks to God for giving me a family that exasperates me.
The New Civil War
21 hours ago