Friday, July 11, 2008

Ask what I want, and I will sing, I want everything--everything

My husband told me that the best part of going out of town is having me pick him up at the airport after his flight home. He said he feels important when he sees me there waiting for him. I really hate going to the airport because the drive in feels like an endless roller coaster ride where I'm just waiting for the carts to hop off the track, sending me plummeting to my death. Huge tractor trailers follow so close behind me that it feels like they are in my back seat. No one uses their directionals except me. Ambulances always come screeching out of nowhere, weaving in and out of traffic and 6 lanes do not feel sufficient enough for me to find a place out of their way. It's just all these people in a rush, talking on cell phones, singing along to blaring radios and it feels unsafe.

But after he told me that having me there waiting for him makes him feel special, I decided that I'd stop focusing on all the negatives. Besides, hanging out at the airport is interesting. I love watching all the people coming and going with their rolling luggage. I think of all the people and all the stories they have to tell. There must me a million of them. I like imagining what their stories might be.

I fixed a toilet today all by myself. I went out and bought the parts and sat there till I got it right. I love fixing things. I love having directions in front of me and putting things together.

I am thinking about painting the inside of my house. It'll give me something to throw my energies into, something that might stop or minimize some of the head noise that threatens to drive me crazy. Lately I've been a little bummed about the way the summer is playing out for me. We are still two cars short and most days, because I don't have a job outside the house, I am housebound and it's starting to get to me. It's like my world keeps getting smaller when I imagined at this point that it would be so much bigger. I keep having to shift my dreams, change my plans, to fit what life is requiring of me. I guess it's my own fault for looking to the future instead of living in the moment. But I don't know how to stop myself from wanting more.

I am greedy. I want everything.

2 comments:

Christy said...

We all do sometimes, do we not? I know I'm guilty of that. But I will say that when I'm able to let go, and think of others first, I feel much better about myself and the world in general. Not always easy, but worthwhile.

Naomi said...

I have the head noise issue. When I was young, I used to drive in circles w/ the radio at full volume and scream at the top of my lungs. If i was home, I would scream into a pillow. As I got older I just drank a lot. Now that I'm a mom that's not really an option, so I very recently started imagine myself screaming in my head...it's much louder than the head noise so it drowns it all out. That all made me sound crazy lol. I just thought the head noise problem has been at full volume lately w/ the stress I have going on, and it was funny to see you mention it on your blog, so I thought I'd share so you'd know you're not the only one out there w/ that problem.

btw I love the airport. I always go early so I can ride around on the air tram.