Monday, October 27, 2008

In a nutshell

"Don't speak unless you can improve on the silence." ~Spanish Proverb

I need to learn to keep my mouth shut. I wasn't always so quick to speak my mind. I grew up in a household where we were told that children should be seen and not heard and I took that to heart. It became how I lived my life--listening quietly and never daring to disagree. I think that is why I'm so insistent about saying the things I feel now. Thoughts and words were unspoken inside me, and it felt like I was living in a trap, like I was suffocating without anything or anyone blocking my airways. Now I can't seem to stop myself. Words fly out of my mouth like water gushing from a fire hydrant, and I honestly don't care at the time if I'm being hurtful because I think it's so important that I've finally found my voice in this world and I'll be damned if anyone tries to shut me up. Nice attitude, huh?

I like to think I'm a good mother and most days, I think that's entirely true. But I've found I'm the type of mother who wants things to go smoothly so that I don't have to deal with problems. I like routines to be followed and I do not welcome disruptions of those routines. Ridiculously, all I want to hear is good news. I know that wish isn't planted anywhere in reality but still, I wish for it anyway.

I never know if my expectations of others are too high or not. I don't even know if it's fair to expect things from other people or if I should simply take what's given to me and accept it for what it is without question. I do not think it's fair of me to expect other people to live their lives with my expectations looming overhead, potentially influencing what it is they want for themselves.

Intellectually, I know that I am wrong for having those thoughts, but my heart doesn't know how to stop. I look at the people that I love and I want things from them, but I get mad if they want too much from me. It makes no sense, but in a nutshell, I think that sums up a lot of who I am--a person who spends inordinate amounts of time contradicting every single thing I say and do.

1 comment:

Christy said...

You know what? I am a lot like that too. Sometimes I feel completely suffocated by my expectations...they weigh me down.

I think the expectations we have are one of the things that make us most unhappy in life, because really who can ever fully live up to our expectations? I haven't found a single person in my life yet that's been able to fill that bill (at least not for the long haul.)

There are times when I work really hard to release my expectations, and I am happier for it. But it's always a struggle not to fall back into that rut.