Thursday, November 8, 2007

Something beautiful

“For every beauty there is an eye somewhere to see it. For every truth there is an ear somewhere to hear it. For every love there is a heart somewhere to receive it.”-Ivan Panin

I've decided after the last two entries that I needed to lighten up. I have this terrible habit of dealing with unpleasant things by telling myself I will think about them tomorrow and so that is what I will do. I think I'm copying Scarlett O'Hara, but I swear I would do it anyway even if she hadn't said it first. It's just the way I am.

There's something about a blank page at the end of a long day that calls to me to fill it up with what is in my heart. It's nice to have a place where I can be really honest and not hurt anyone I care about. I think there are a lot of people in this world who will tell you that they want to hear the truth but what they really mean is that they want to hear the truth if it's a pretty truth and not an ugly one. I think ugly truths are hard to swallow for most people, myself included. I have trouble with my own ugly truths--admitting them, examining them, confronting them, living with them--and so it's no surprise that other people would not have room to fit mine in alongside their own. So I come here and expose them to people I do not know because that's about as courageous as I get.

Anyway, being serious is tiresome after a while and besides, I want to write about something beautiful.

I'm not a morning person at all. No matter what time I wake up, I don't think I'm ready to really face the world until around 10 AM. Every morning I get up with my youngest daughter to get her ready for school. It's still dark outside, and when I walk her to her car so that I can go through my ritual of telling her to drive safely and watching her car until the tail lights disappear, the moon and the stars are still lighting up the sky. It's morning, but there's a night sky above me. I just think that's so amazingly beautiful. Something happens to me out there each morning. My head and my heart feel a quiet peace I never feel when I am rushing through my days, and it's impossible for me not to be happy.

I forget about the little things all the time. I forget the simple joys that are right in front of me because I'm always on the lookout for something bigger. But when I'm out there in the morning looking up at the night sky I think how glad I am to be alive.

I try to commit that moment to memory so that I never, ever forget.

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