Finding what I need inside of me

"Be happy in the moment - that's enough. Each moment is all we need - not more." ~Mother Teresa


It's like this...I've been reading and am almost finished with A New Earth - Awakening to Your Life's Purpose, by Eckhart Tolle (an Oprah book that I probably wouldn't have read but my daughter bought the book so I decided to give it a try), and what I am reading inside this book is amazing and life changing to me. I think mostly what I am getting from it is that I never live in the moment - EVER. I am always thinking about what I have to do or where I have to go. I am always thinking about other people. This book has shown me how I live a lot of my life in my head -- through my thoughts and interpretations about things and how when I am living like that, I am not being present in my life. The author says the key to happiness is living in the moment which is something we all have control over -- so happiness is inside us and not anything that can be found in other people or material things. I don't know how many times I've heard this same thing but it never registered before now because I kept looking for happiness outside of me anyway. He says that letting go of the dialogues in our heads that keep bringing up the past - and the dialogues that keep us looking to the future for things we think will bring us happiness -- will allow a stillness to take place within us and in this stillness we can find peace. I've been trying to apply his techniques to my life and I've felt this shifting inside me and for the first time in my life, I think I am feeling peace. It's quite wonderful.

And I think I've finally realized what is so great about exercising and I needed to find something because lately I do this whole thing where I try to talk myself out of it and I'm really wearing myself out with the bullshit I can come up with as excuses. I realized today that it's the only time that I am really "present" in my life. It's the only time I do not think of anything except what I am doing right then and there. It's like I'm really living during that time because I can feel it. I don't have dozens of dialogues running through my head that take me away from where I am and what I am doing. There's no room for all that crap when I'm focusing on making it through my run. I can stay focused on putting one foot in front of the other and breathing in and out. I think it's the only time I'm ever really me.

There was something unconscious in me that has known that exercise is a way to peace and happiness even while I'm hating it. I think that's amazing.

But here's my problem, now that I'm so enlightened, I keep trying to practice so that I don't allow other people to get on my last nerve but if they haven't read the book and aren't enlightened (my family), then all they do is push buttons of mine to try to drag me down with their unenlightened selves.

Like today...OMG...we now have 3 cars for 5 people while 2 are being fixed. This isn't a problem for me because I can find lots to keep me busy, but my husband goes off to work, my older daughter leaves to "run errands" (whatever) and then go to work and my youngest takes the other car to hang out with friends at the pool all day. Then my son tumbles out of bed after everyone has left and realizes he doesn't have a car and suddenly this turns into my problem even though it's not my problem. Phone calls get made, there's lots of yelling and basically no one is willing to compromise unless they get something out of it which is interesting since I compromise without benefit all the time and I'm not suffering.

So in the middle of all this I'm all, "I need to breathe in and breathe out and not react to their emotions with emotions of my own that take me away from my peace" and they're looking at me like I've got four heads but honestly, I do not know how I am supposed to keep peace when no one else cares or knows what I am talking about.

I pulled my hair back, braided it and went for a run. I thought that maybe my only option is just leaving them because I doubt I can get them to read the book anytime soon which means I am bound to backslide and become unenlightened again which is a shame because I really do like feeling peaceful.

I guess all I can do is work on me...and unbelievably, even with all the background noise that is my family, in this very moment, I am happy.