Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Finding what I need inside of me

"Be happy in the moment - that's enough. Each moment is all we need - not more." ~Mother Teresa

It's like this...I've been reading and am almost finished with A New Earth - Awakening to Your Life's Purpose, by Eckhart Tolle (an Oprah book that I probably wouldn't have read but my daughter bought the book so I decided to give it a try), and what I am reading inside this book is amazing and life changing to me. I think mostly what I am getting from it is that I never live in the moment - EVER. I am always thinking about what I have to do or where I have to go. I am always thinking about other people. This book has shown me how I live a lot of my life in my head -- through my thoughts and interpretations about things and how when I am living like that, I am not being present in my life. The author says the key to happiness is living in the moment which is something we all have control over -- so happiness is inside us and not anything that can be found in other people or material things. I don't know how many times I've heard this same thing but it never registered before now because I kept looking for happiness outside of me anyway. He says that letting go of the dialogues in our heads that keep bringing up the past - and the dialogues that keep us looking to the future for things we think will bring us happiness -- will allow a stillness to take place within us and in this stillness we can find peace. I've been trying to apply his techniques to my life and I've felt this shifting inside me and for the first time in my life, I think I am feeling peace. It's quite wonderful.

And I think I've finally realized what is so great about exercising and I needed to find something because lately I do this whole thing where I try to talk myself out of it and I'm really wearing myself out with the bullshit I can come up with as excuses. I realized today that it's the only time that I am really "present" in my life. It's the only time I do not think of anything except what I am doing right then and there. It's like I'm really living during that time because I can feel it. I don't have dozens of dialogues running through my head that take me away from where I am and what I am doing. There's no room for all that crap when I'm focusing on making it through my run. I can stay focused on putting one foot in front of the other and breathing in and out. I think it's the only time I'm ever really me.

There was something unconscious in me that has known that exercise is a way to peace and happiness even while I'm hating it. I think that's amazing.

But here's my problem, now that I'm so enlightened, I keep trying to practice so that I don't allow other people to get on my last nerve but if they haven't read the book and aren't enlightened (my family), then all they do is push buttons of mine to try to drag me down with their unenlightened selves.

Like today...OMG...we now have 3 cars for 5 people while 2 are being fixed. This isn't a problem for me because I can find lots to keep me busy, but my husband goes off to work, my older daughter leaves to "run errands" (whatever) and then go to work and my youngest takes the other car to hang out with friends at the pool all day. Then my son tumbles out of bed after everyone has left and realizes he doesn't have a car and suddenly this turns into my problem even though it's not my problem. Phone calls get made, there's lots of yelling and basically no one is willing to compromise unless they get something out of it which is interesting since I compromise without benefit all the time and I'm not suffering.

So in the middle of all this I'm all, "I need to breathe in and breathe out and not react to their emotions with emotions of my own that take me away from my peace" and they're looking at me like I've got four heads but honestly, I do not know how I am supposed to keep peace when no one else cares or knows what I am talking about.

I pulled my hair back, braided it and went for a run. I thought that maybe my only option is just leaving them because I doubt I can get them to read the book anytime soon which means I am bound to backslide and become unenlightened again which is a shame because I really do like feeling peaceful.

I guess all I can do is work on me...and unbelievably, even with all the background noise that is my family, in this very moment, I am happy.


Sara said...

I really need to read this book. I love your blog. I love that we only know what you want us to. Keep it up. I will keep reading :-)

AlmostMrsJoyner said...

Thank you for your comment. I 've heard the book is very good...and you make is sound like a must read. Thanks for sharing!

Anonymous said...

I can totally relate to spending so much time in my head that I forget to enjoy my present. It's good to have a reminder that we miss so much of life when we do that.

And good luck on the exercising. I'm not so much a fan of exercise while I'm working out, but afterwards I feel amazing!

tryingtoconceive said...

Just stopping by for NaComLeavMo.

I am reading this book now, too, and am just beginning to find solace in being present.

I started by trying to be present when washing my hands. But fhe first time I really felt this was going to work for me was while I was on a walk. I also talked myself into being in the moment this weekend when that wicked little 'voice in the head' ego of mine was trying to ruin my time with family.

Keep at it! The one out of 10 times you're able to do it, well, that feels so healthy, doesn't it?

Christy said...

I love this post! That book sounds great--I'll have to get it...I wonder if the author studies Buddism or Kabbalah, b/c it sounds like similar principles.

I study kabbalah, and one of the lessons that's seemed to hold especially true for me, is that the people closest to us are often pushing our buttons...it's because we need that in order to practice being less reactive and grow.

It's not easy though, that's for sure. All wecan do is keep at it.

calliope said...

(here from nacomleavmo)
I'm still on the fence about this book. I mean Oprah told everyone to go read The Secret and well..um..not a fan. But I do keep hearing about people really going deep with this one so I just might have to secretly check it out.