Saturday, May 24, 2008

Pieces of me

"You can't always sit in your corner of the forest and wait for people to come to you...you have to go to them sometimes."~Winnie the Pooh

Since starting this blog, I have been content to write here quietly by myself. I have purposely chosen not to share this link with anyone that I know. I think part of me wanted to know if I would continue to write knowing that few, if any people read or gave me feedback of any kind, and what I learned was that I could write without that expectation. I learned I loved writing enough to simply write. It felt freeing to me because I had another blog I deleted a while ago where I was consumed with getting comments as though the number of comments I received measured how good I was, or how well I wrote. It feels weird and mysterious not knowing, but it also feels good because I don't feel like there are any expectations. This might sound strange, but I feel I write my best when I think no one is reading. It feels safe to me. It feels easy here.

I thought I'd try the Nacomleavmo so that I was forced to seek new places to read and to open myself up to new readers of my own. I will tell you that it scares me because I do not buy into the notion that a blog will tell you who I am. I think my blog will tell you what I want you to know about me, and I know that there's much more to me that can never be put into words. I think of my blog as one small piece to the puzzle that is me.

If you are coming here from Nacomleavmo here are some things you should know about me. I have three children (2 in college and one still in high school). I have been married to my husband for more than half of my life. I met him when I was in college at the age of 17. He is the person I will look for if there is life after death because I know that I want him somewhere beside me forever.

I love books, reality tv, fall in New England, and photography. I am passionate, patient, and mostly positive. I see the world in black and white. I either love you or I hate you. I am disorganized. I keep making the same mistakes in this life even though I know that I will never move past them until I learn the lessons I need to learn. I'd rather leave than be left. All the walls in my house are painted bright white because it makes me happy. I don't usually mind being the one who compromises. I had the best childhood ever. I find being alone peaceful. I prefer reading things that do not feel as though too much effort has gone into the writing. I look better without makeup on. I'm able to find humor in things. I like to believe the best about people until they prove otherwise. I'm a major procrastinator but work better under pressure so I guess that's not too much of a negative. I need to live where there is lots of sun. I eat cereal out of the box, never with milk. I am fiercely loyal to those that I love. I love the ocean. I am never late for things. I'm good at putting things together. I write on the fly--I just open "create a post", type up what I want, then hit publish. I do this because I hate thinking of writing as work because then it's not fun anymore. I never think the grass is greener on the other side. I don't like people telling me what to do. I believe in God but do not like church because I get distracted by all the people and never focus on what's important.

My ears have never been pierced, I've never been on a motorcycle and I've never tasted even one sip of coffee. I can get ready to go out faster than my husband. I was a English/Journalism major in college but never did anything with either, instead I got married and raised kids! I love red geraniums, sunroofs and driving fast when I'm alone in my car. I always love the book better than the movie. I have not always lived up to my potential. I'm an observer. I think my commitment to regular exercise has helped saved me when all my life I was waiting to be saved by someone else. I think I can do anything if I set my mind to it. I am not won over easily. I dog ear pages of books when I find passages that I love so I can go back to read them again and again. Children love me. I like clean windows, mirrors and windshields. I love the smell of Windex. I like lots of ice in my drinks. I'm obsessed with having my cell phone with me at all times. I know the lyrics to The Carpenters songs but can also sing you every Matchbook Romance song there is. I wake up grumpy and don't usually like to talk to anyone for at least an hour. I vacuum my house every day because I like how carpets look without footprints. I am careful of my heart.

I am.

And after this whole this is over? The thing about me? I'd be happy just to know that maybe one or two people were reading. They wouldn't have to comment if they didn't want to because I know that I only comment now when I feel I've got something to add or if I feel moved by something that has been written. I want my blogging experience to be more about being a genuine person than about feeling obligated to write or comment if I don't feel like it. I am drawn to genuine people. I don't want to be the kind of blogger who gets millions of comments telling me how right and wonderful I am if I'm wrong and being an ass pain. I guess I would like my blog to be the kind of place that people want to come back to because I'm a regular person who writes from the heart. I don't want anything back from anyone who comes here that they do not want to give.

I follow my heart.

I always follow my heart.

(I don't write every day--just when the spirit moves me.)

12 comments:

DC said...

I love this post! I think you should print it out for your family so they can use it to help write your eulogy some day (in the far, far distant future, of course). Wow, that sounds really morbid, huh?

Anyway, I'm a new blogger, so please stop by and say hello if you get a chance. :)

http://lupuspie.blogspot.com

Christy said...

I loved this post. It's beautiful--truly. I love reading other people's stories (memoirs are usually my favorite types of books.)

I understand how you feel about comments. I don't pimp myself out for comments on my blog. There have been those that have told me I should leave comments on as many blogs as I can to get more readers to mine, but I don't see much sense in leaving a comment where I don't feel it--so I don't.

That said, most of what I read gives me some reaction, whether it's funny or silly or serious or sad. I also get excited when a new person reads my blog and finds some commonality with me, or when the people I've connected with through blogging continue to come back to keep up with me and say "Hi." But I would never want someone to do that just for the sake of having more comments.

At any rate, what I'm taking too much space to say is that you seem like a great person to sit down with over some wine and talk about life with. I like your writing.
~Christy

starsgoblue said...

DC...LMAO...I think maybe I'll let my family write something on their own when the time for my eulogy rolls around. I do everything else for them the least they can do is come up with their own eulogy for me.

Christy...thanks. I actually read a ton of blogs but rarely comment. I'm just really conflicted by the whole thing. I don't want to belong to a clique and I see that all too often in the blogosphere. I want people to read because they want to read, not because they feel obligated to because I comment at their place (which is why I rarely comment).

I think the reason I'm willing to do this Nacomleavmo thing is that it's only for a month and it's a way to read new things and bring new readers in without feeling like I'm posting a big advertisement. It's just kind of a fun and different thing to do.

Queenie. . . said...

I loved this post. The line that stuck out the most for me was the one about having a happy childhood. It leaves me pondering what makes for a happy childhood, because I so rarely hear people say that they loved their own--yet everyone strives to create the perfect childhood for their own children. I end up wondering if the problem is that most people lack perspective about their own childhood, and that of their own children. So, what made it happy for you? And do you think you were able to create the same for your own children?

Laura said...

NaComLeavMo

I whole heartedly agree that a blog will only show people what you want them to see.

I too have bright white walls, there is no other colour to have internal walls.

starsgoblue said...

Queenie: loved your question about what I feel made my childhood wonderful. I think I'll write a post about it when I get a free minute.

Laura: and it's not that I don't like going into a home where there is lots of color because I like that too, but for me, I need to come home to the calm and cool and happiness of bright white!

Mya said...

I think this is a wonderful and genuine post. And I agree with you that there is something freeing about writing without being concerned about how many readers/commenters you have. Nice to "meet" you today.

Lisa said...

Thank you for introducing yourself to all of us! Hi, I'm Lisa. Nice to meet you!

BethH6703 said...

First, thanks for the comment on my blog. NaComLeavMo "introduced" us, but I am adding you to my Google reader as I type this comment. This post struck a chord with me, and I genuinely look forward to getting to know this blogging "piece of you" a little better.

The Town Criers said...

I'm glad I got to be here for it; to fulfill that end wish that you know that someone is reading this. Judging by the number of comments, I would guess there are a lot more than one or two.

hopeful #1 said...

Great post! You are a great writer!

Stop by blog anytime!

(here from nclm)

Alyson & Ford said...

I love your Winnie the Pooh verses throughout your blog. You are a great writer! My (our) blog is mostly fluff as we wait for the adoption process to take place. I love the fall in New England (I was raised there).
Your words are comforting as I can see myself in bits of the "real" life you write about.

Alyson LID 01/27/06 (IA China)